


'tis the damn season

by breaktrio



Category: Inazuma Eleven, Inazuma Eleven GO, Inazuma Eleven: Ares no Tenbin, Inazuma Eleven: Orion no Kokuin
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, And they have a son..., Christmas au!, Elves and Santa Claus (Hibiki), F/F, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Magical elements just because it's Christmas, Past Endou Mamoru/Kino Aki, Self-Indulgent, a little bit of existential angst, architect!gouenji and b&b owner endou, beta readed because my friend is an angel, fifteen years later, fukaze is also here but it's minor so i won't tag it, full of cliches, i love them..., literally.., mentioned relationships, minor characters here and there - Freeform, please close your eyes because this is basically set in San Frantokyo universe, this is inspired by all the trashy het Christmas movies I watch, written for me and me only
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:42:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28316955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/breaktrio/pseuds/breaktrio
Summary: Christmas is coming. Other things and people too.
Relationships: Endou Mamoru/Gouenji Shuuya, Kino Aki/Raimon Natsumi
Comments: 5
Kudos: 22





	'tis the damn season

**Author's Note:**

> title from a taylor swift song.  
> my friend nomu betated this for me and i love them so much! :-)

**364 days before Christmas.**

Boots sinking into the snow. Trees and clouds covering the moon and the stars. Cold seeping into their bones.

“I understand why you are here. I don’t understand why I am here,” pause, a shiver, “I don’t deserve it. I didn’t do anything. I was, literally, passing by.”

“You are annoying.” 

“What? This is your fault, not mine! I should be home. Not here. In the middle of nowhere.”

“Still annoying. Don’t you know how to shut up?” 

“I can’t believe you,” another pause, footsteps alting, “You didn’t even apologize to me for getting me in trouble. For ruining Christmas.”

Boots on dead wet leaves, wind blowing, shivers, a tsk, “Ruining, uh?”

“There isn’t a different way to put it.”

“You are useless, anyway. Go home.”

A laugh without fun in it, “I can’t, that’s the point, I can’t because of you. I have to spend a whole year in this magicless place because of you.” 

“Then, suit yourself.”

**7 days before Christmas.**

Endou Mamoru owns a Bed & Breakfast.

It’s small, and old, standing at the end of a long, long road and the beginning of a not big, but not small forest. It was there before Endou Mamoru’s birth, and his mother’s birth and probably his Grandfather’s too. It’s the only thing the Endou family owns, Shuuya is sure, and now standing in front of it, after almost fifteen years, it’s unsettling, but also heart-warming. It makes Shuuya’s heart ache. 

It looks like a traditional _ryokan_ , only outside, though. The typical roof is covered in fresh snow and Shuuya can see the hot springs, behind the whole complex. It is a fascinating piece of architecture, mixing traditional Japanese style of housing and Endou Daisuke’s passion for the West, woods and silly secret rooms. Maybe Shuuya’s love for architecture was born here, in this street, in this old _ryokan_.

Shuuya remembers all the winters and the afternoons after school spent inside, hot chocolate and fresh baked cookies always ready for them, Endou usually up to something, hiding inside rooms ready for guests, in the kitchen, grinning with his front tooth missing, as he showed Shuuya around, all the secrets of the old God Hand House, always holding hands. Always. 

Shuuya remembers growing old, becoming a teenager inside of it, in front of the lit fire, as Grandpa Daisuke read them stories about Gods and Tornadoes and Christmas’ elves being mean for no reason, only for Daisuke’s own amusement, with their mothers (when Shuuya’s mom was still healthy and alive and happy, but mostly alive) shaking their heads at their children antics—Endou’s shocked gasps and Shuuya’s confused glares.

He remembers getting lost in the woods as they went to look for firewood for the chimney, after Daisuke got rid of sliding paper doors and made the living room look more like his place when he lived in England for two months, the cold in their bones, Endou holding his hand, _just to be sure, I know you are scared, I grew up in these woods Gouenji, you didn’t_.

He remembers Christmas, the most, because at Endou’s, Christmas felt like… Christmas is supposed to feel, like the movies Daisuke loved to watch with them. All of December was dedicated to the sole purpose of that day, making the kids feel the magic, and Shuuya knows he believed. He believed in elves, Santa Claus and his reindeers, he believed in everything because of Endou and his family, his mother always singing Christmas’ songs and telling them how she met Santa when she was just a child and his father, always talking about lights, sweets, gifts, and of course the preparations for the Inazuma Christmas Festival, a tradition started by their family, years prior, to donate to local food banks or orphanages. 

He remembers a lot of things, even if he wants to forget them. He remembers the day he moved away, Endou sadly smiling under the rain then turned to snow, outside of Shuuya’s house. The way Shuuya left with the heaviest heart, a truth on the tip of his tongue. A confession. Nails digging into his skin, leaving crescent red moons on his skin. A coward. Endou too. Both of them. Cowards.

But that was years ago and the only thing Shuuya has left of everything is memories.

He never thought he would come back to Inazuma Town. He wanted to, just to see his old friends—Endou, the most—but he never really did it, maybe because he was scared and he was different. He is, different, right now, standing with his fancy boots in the wet dirt because of the snow. He lost track of the time after high school, and then it was university and then again work, work, work. There wasn’t time, and he stopped thinking about childhood and toothless grins and the smell of cinnamon and fresh cookies and out of the oven gingerbread.

Apparently, the universe had another idea.

A call changed everything and Kidou Yuuto, his best friend and co-owner of their architecture firm, had to be stuck at home for his sister’s graduation and couldn’t take this job.

The job being the renovation of God Hand House, Endou Mamoru’s Bed & Breakfast (and also, his current residence).

Shuuya never expected to answer the phone and find Raimon Natsumi on the other end of it. She didn’t expect him either. Kidou gave her his number without telling her anything, only _my colleague will be available for you, Miss_. Usually, it was Kidou, the one taking a job outside of Tokyo, for the simple fact that he liked to drive and Shuuya didn’t even own a car.

Natsumi was shocked, as Shuuya, to hear he was still alive and she laughed a little, like she knew something Shuuya didn’t. Then she told him about God Hand and how everything was falling apart and Shuuya knew he would have taken the job even if Natsumi wasn’t going to pay him.

“It’s a gift,” she said, already talking business, “He doesn’t know, and he doesn’t even want it, probably, but the place needs a revamp, Gouenji. It’s falling apart and he doesn’t have the courage or the money to do something to it. He deserves it, though. And a friend told me your firm is the best in Tokyo. So, when can you come over and take a look? I want it to be a Christmas gift.”

“Well,” Shuuya coughed a little, trying to find the right words, “I don’t know if we are free… we are very…”

“Look, I can pay,” Natsumi is still the same, after years, she didn’t change, she knows what she wants and when she wants it, and Shuuya knew it was a lost battle anyway.

“I’m not saying you can’t pay, Raimon.”

“I’ll ask again. When can you come here?”

Shuuya looks at the only empty space on his calendar, a few days before the official beginning of the holidays. He promised Yuuka to be home for Christmas. He can squeeze a small visit to Inazuma Town before the 23rd of December. 

“I have a free spot a week before Christmas.”

“Okay, I’ll book it. We’ll talk in person when you come here. It’ll be good to see you. It’s been, what? Fifteen years? It would be… good, for Endou too.”

That conversation happened a month ago and now Shuuya is here, standing in the middle of the road in front of the place that was a home, a safety net and the place where he found out about love and heartbreak and where he learnt something new about himself, every day.

Shuuya keeps staring at it. After the taxi left him, the only thing he did was look at it and Natsumi was right, the place needs a renovation, and not only that. Shuuya can see, from a distance, how old it is and how everything is being kept together by the brute force of will power and hope. Something Endou Mamoru is good at, Shuuya smiles at the memory of a never giving up kid with the most frustrating attitude.

His phone rings a few times, and he knows it’s Kidou.

Shuuya picks up.

“Have you arrived yet?”

“I’m looking at it.”

“Bad?”

“It’s… what I remember, but older.”

“It’s called time, Shuuya, and it’s something we have to bear, unfortunately. Now, stop dilly dallying and knock on the door.”

Shuuya sighs, moves his suitcase, making it dirtier, “I’m…”

“Scared? You were friends.”

Shuuya bites his bottom lip and looks up, at the grey sky, and he knows it will be snowing soon, damned Inazuma Town for being one of the coldest small towns in the country, too close to a mountain. It’s cold and he is freezing, but he doesn’t know how to do this. Natsumi told him she will be there for dinner, and not to tell Endou the reason why he was here, _it’s a surprise, Gouenji, I don’t want you to ruin it!_

It was easier said than done. He doesn’t know how to behave around Endou Mamoru anymore. It was difficult to learn how to behave around him the first time, and now it’s been years and Shuuya was in love with him because he is a cliché and he ends up falling in love with his best friends all the time (Kidou, too, but with Kidou it was clear it was never going to happen, since he was off the market, being aroace).

“It’s been years, I don’t know if he remembers me.”

“I think you are pretty unforgettable. C’mon, I know it’s hard, he’s like, your first love and you never told him. It’s just a couple of days, anyway.”

“You are right,” another sigh, “I have to treat this as any other job.”

“That’s my boy.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean it. Look, I have to go. Haruna wants to play a card game. I’ll call you tonight.”

“Say hi to your family for me.”

“Will do. Bye bye!”

Shuuya puts his phone in the back pocket of his jeans and takes a deep breath. He did a lot of things in his life and this isn’t scary as coming out to your homophobic father. He can do this.

It’s just Endou Mamoru.

Warm, kind, funny, gentle, out of his mind, marvellous and stupid Endou Mamoru.

After fifteen years.

He can do this.

Shuuya takes the handle of his red suitcase and puts his other hand in the pocket of his black coat, scarf covering his face and here he goes.

He knocks on the door. There isn’t a doorbell. Shuuya mentally adds this detail to his plan for God Hand’s renovations. It’s 2020, every place needs a doorbell. 

Shuuya waits, maybe two minutes, for someone to come and open the door. Then, when he is about to knock again, it opens.

And behind the heavy wood door with a gold tacky handle, there is a kid. Small, messy light brown hair and curious, round grey eyes. He is wearing a cotton yellow sweater with a flower on it, it’s too big for him, covering his small hands still on the door, and he is probably either six or seven years old.

“Hi,” the kid politely says, “Are you a guest?”

Shuuya coughs and he hopes he doesn’t look too shocked. He didn’t expect a kid. Among all the things he expected, a kid wasn’t one of them. A child.

“I am… a friend of Endou?” He struggles to get it out, because he doesn’t know what to say and he should've gone with, _yes, I’m a guest_ , but his brain did short-circuit at the sight of a child. He did forget about the existence of children.

“A friend… of Dad?”

Shuuya almost chokes on his saliva.

Dad. The kid said Dad. Oh dear Angry Christmas Elf, don’t this to him, not this, everything but this.

He knows people their age (they are almost thirty, for God’s sake, they are old) have kids. It’s normal. It’s something people do, _old_ people. Shuuya has thought about it, too, but having to face the fact that they are grown up and time is passing fast, Endou has a son now, and if he has a son he is probably married and… Shuuya, stop.

He stops.

“Y-yes, your Dad. Can you call him?”

The kid smiles, all crooked teeth and he is missing the front one and Shuuya’s mind parallels a memory of Endou, same age, same missing tooth.

“Yes, he is trying to fix the boiler! I’ll go! You should come in! We have tea and cookies ready for guests, but also for friends, if you are cold!”

The child flies away, slippers making him slide on the wooden floor—danger hazard—and Shuuya is cold, so he takes off his stupid overpriced dirty boots to wear a pair of clean slippers, left in the entrance for the guests. He leaves his suitcase there, too.

He tries to warm up his hands by blowing on them, gloves forgotten on the plane and Shuuya looks around. Inside, everything is as he recalls, furniture made of wood from the trees behind the propriety, family pictures hanging on the white (now more of a faint yellow) walls, the same old couch and armchairs Shuuya spent most of his childhood on. He finds some issues, structural and not, but the place still holds the magic Shuuya felt when he was younger. There are few Christmas’ decorations and not a tree in sight, which is weird, because Endou’s family usually started to decorate the first week of December.

As the kid says, in the middle of the living room there is a small table with pillows all around it, a whole set of tea ready resting on it. He prefers coffee, just to fit the stereotype of an overworked caffeinated homosexual, but he pours the tea in a mug, red with a reindeer on it, and it’s funny how all the mugs are different, making it more unique and homey. 

He wonders if there are any guests around as he sips the hot beverage, almost burning his tongue. It looks empty of people and the now old chimney isn’t burning wood as Shuuya would’ve thought, considering the weather. 

“A friend?” he hears and the voice is deep, of a man probably his age and Shuuya knows who it is, because even age can’t make disappear the cheerfulness out of it. 

“They said they were your friend,” the kid explains. They are standing behind the wall that separates the living room and the hallway. 

Shuuya can’t see them and he’s sure they can’t see him. 

“Okay, go back to your room. Finish your homework or your mom is going to have my head, Tenma. Ask Kazemaru to help you,” and Endou Mamoru sounds so serious and caring at the same time, it puts a smile on Shuuya’s face.

“Okay, okay. Say hi to your friend for me?”

“Go.”

Shuuya listens as Tenma’s footsteps on the stairs at the end of the hallway fade away. Shuuya listens as Endou takes a deep breath, coughs a little and then he comes inside the living room. 

Shuuya hasn’t seen his childhood best friend in fifteen years. It was his fault, really, not answering letters and phone calls just because he was broken hearted and scared of rejection at such a young age, but it’s been fifteen years, and Endou Mamoru changed, he did grow up from the small child and the lanky teenager he was when Shuuya last saw him. He is bigger, not taller than Shuuya, but bigger, the green sweater on him is too small for his arms and his jeans hugging his thighs nicely and Shuuya has the urge to shake his head, _stop thinking, stop looking, you are grown up now, this man is a father and a husband_. There is shock on Endou’s face, in his warm round eyes, freckles still present on his nose and cheeks even in the winter season, brown spiky hair still being tightly held by his orange headband, a gift from his Grandpa when he was six. 

“Gouenji?” 

Hearing his name from him is unsettling and strange and weird, but also, right? Like when they first met at the park where Endou asked if he wanted to make a snowman with him just because doing it alone would have been sad. 

The single fact that Endou recognized him after years makes his heart skip a beat. 

“Endou,” he says back.

The smile is the same smile as always, all shiny and straight white teeth, making his eyes twinkle with affection. It’s the same smile as years ago, it’s the same spark dancing in his warm eyes as years ago and Shuuya feels the ground shaking under him.

Shuuya feels the urge to touch his shoulder, if he was brave enough to hug, but he won’t, putting his hands in the pocket of his coat. 

“It’s been,” Endou starts, then closes his mouth, huffs out a laugh, “It’s been years. I thought… I would never see you again,” he stops and he lets the words hang between them. 

They are looking at each other now, Endou’s using the silence as a challenge for Shuuya to take or not, as always. 

“I thought the same,” Shuuya whispers and it hurts, because it’s true, he thought he would never see Endou again, because… because… 

“Then what are you doing here?” Endou asks and it’s different, it’s serious, a little bit cold, stern, and he resembles more and more what Shuuya remembers of Endou Daisuke. 

“Work,” Shuuya tucks a lock of hair behind his ear, earrings moving around as he does it. 

Endou hums. “What kind of job could bring you to God Hand after years of radio silence?” 

Shuuya closes his eyes. He deserves it, he supposes. Endou was kind and understanding, but it’s been years and this man isn’t his best friend anymore, he doesn’t know this man anymore and now it’s a reality, not just a thought. Shuuya didn’t expect him to be happy to see him again, after all. He never imagined a sweet reunion, a hug, or whatever, but Shuuya didn’t see an angry Endou either in his month long daydream about today. He doesn’t know what he wanted from this, actually. 

“I’d tell if I could.”

Endou nods at that, “All right.”

“Endou,” Shuuya has to try, he knows he has to do this, he has to _apologize_. He is almost thirty years old, he isn’t a child anymore and this is serious and he feels in his bones, all that Endou deserves from him is an apology.

“What?”

“I’m sorry.”

Endou takes a deep breath, “You are fifteen years late .”

Shuuya looks down, pink slippers with stylized racoon on it looking back at him, mouthing _what you were expecting, what you were expecting Shuuya?_

“But it’s better late than never,” Endou adds, after a moment of silence and Shuuya feels shell shocked as Endou’s calluses hand touches his shoulder, squeezing it and they are so close, Shuuya can see the way light dances in Endou’s eyes. Just like when they were kids. 

Shuuya struggles to find the words, so he says the only thing he can say, “Endou?”

Endou pushes him down, making him sit on one of the black cushions on the floor and he sits in front of him, filling a mug with a bee on it with mildly warm tea. 

“You must’ve had your reasons, Gouenji, for not keeping contact. It hurt, sure, and I was angry and sad at first.” 

He can’t believe it, “Endou, wait.”

“No, let me finish,” he puts a hand on the table, legs crossed under it and he looks up, up, up, the ceiling, made of wood too, losing its characteristic color, “I’m not saying I understand why you did it, but I forgave you after the first unanswered letters and missed phone calls. Also, I should’ve… I gave up too quickly. And I’m sorry for that, too.”

“Don’t say it like it’s your fault.”

“It could be,” Endou chuckles, “If I’d sent a few more letters or I tried to call you on your birthday, maybe you would have answered.” 

Shuuya holds his mug tight between his hands, “I wanted to. Reply. Call you back. But after everything… It was hard to adjust and when I did adjust to it, it was too late. I should’ve been the one to look out for you, first.”

“That’s true,” Endou scratches the skin under his orange headband, “But you are here.”

“I am,” Shuuya concedes, “But…”

“Not buts,” Endou claps his hands, “Let’s get this behind us. Okay? Let’s start over. You said sorry, I said it too. We are over it.”

“You are saying it like it’s easy, I ghosted you. For fifteen years.”

“It is easy, Gouenji, for me. I don’t really want to be angry at my oldest friend. I’m just… happy to see you, whatever reason you have to be here, it’s nice to see you again,” he says in the sweetest tone and earnest expression, lips curved and the glint of foodness in his eyes.

“I…” Shuuya gives in, “I’m happy to see you too.”

There is no point in fighting Endou over this. Forgiveness was effortless, a sorry enough for him. Shuuya used to worry over him a lot, with that habit to wear his heart on his sleeve, Shuuya was afraid he would’ve got hurt, eventually, and it’s comforting to know he is still the same even if Shuuya knows he doesn’t really deserve this. 

“So, how’s adult life treating you?” Endou changes subject quickly, making himself comfortable on the wooden table, chin on his hand, tilted head. 

“It’s… good, I guess. Not perfect. I don’t talk with my father anymore and Yuuka is doing great, if you are wondering. She has a fashion line, now. I work at an architecture firm,” then he adds to clarify, “I’m an architect.” 

Endou listens carefully. Endou has never been the best listener, more of a talker. When they were younger, he used to speak for the both of them. But now he is a little bit more attentive, more focused. 

“That’s… good. Never pictured you being an architect.” 

“Neither did I. It… just happened. What about you?” 

Endou opens his arms, hands making a showing off gesture, “The family’s business had to go on,” but he doesn’t sound sad, only proud and satisfied with it, “Of course, you met Tenma.”

Shuuya did forget for a moment about the small child upstairs, “Right,” he murmurs, “Tenma.”

“My son, Tenma,” and Endou says it with fondness, affection, love and care, and Shuuya can feel the happiness in Endou’s tone and expression. 

He needs to talk about something else because he doesn’t know how to deal with it. Shuuya needs to lose a night of sleep on the concept of Endou having a son. It’s not his fault, the last time he saw Endou he was a young boy full of dreams, and now he is a father, a business owner, and a man with muscles bigger than Shuuya’s face. It’s probably all the trees he cuts. It’s probably that. 

“So, uhm, do you have a room? I have to stay in town for a couple of days and I thought…” 

“Yes! Sure! I have just a guest room left. It’s funny, you know, I had everything booked until this morning. A guest called, saying they were sick so they couldn’t travel anymore! You are really lucky! Or maybe I’m the one who is lucky. Who knows,” Endou shrugs, but he doesn’t lose the grin on his lips. 

“Yeah. Who knows,” Shuuya says back. 

God Hand House is a home first, a place where a family lives happily inside of its wooden walls, with toys all over the floor and photos everywhere, and a workplace second. Shuuya can describe most of the pictures with his eyes closed, since they have been there for years and years: Endou Daisuke opening God Hand, a family picture of Endou’s mom as a baby and others where she is a grown up, getting married, having a family of her own. Some, though, are new; Tenma is almost everywhere. There are baby pictures just of him doing normal baby things, then of him in the woods, with a big Labrador, on the beach, and then with another puppy, on Endou’s shoulders at a town festival. 

Endou left Shuuya alone to take his suitcase in the empty guest room, to check on Tenma (“I have to make sure he is doing his homework, sorry”) and to finish what he started with the boiler. 

Shuuya doesn’t really know what to do with himself, so he explores, fingertips brushing against the walls, door handles and window frames to get a feeling of the building. Shuuya doesn’t like to waste time, so he gets to work immediately. He takes notes on his phone to discuss with Natsumi or with Endou, he doesn’t know. 

He stops. Endou has a son, and he’s probably married to Tenma’s mother and Shuuya always suspected Natsumi having a crush on Endou, when they were younger. They were in the same class both in elementary and middle school. Raimon Natsumi was the daughter of the mayor and after their call, a month ago, Shuuya found out that she was the mayor, now. Destined to greatness in a small town. Shuuya never thought much of Natsumi, she was fun to be with and she was clever, too clever for her own good, sometimes. 

Wondering, walking and thinking he ends up in the kitchen. It’s a built-in type of kitchen, all the cupboards and pantries made in the same old wood the entire building is made of. Only one wall is different from the rest, all made of stone and Shuuya knows it is the same stone of the hot spring he can see from the big window.

It’s beautiful, and functional, and probably the only section he would never change in the entire building for the simple fact he can see himself, Endou, their mothers cooking on the island in the middle of the room. It’s full of memories. 

He stops at the table, long and gigantic, made with people from foreign countries having breakfast in mind, every type of breakfast, cooked first by Endou’s Grandpa and then by Endou’s mother. Shuuya wonders who is doing the cooking, now, knowing Endou never was allowed near the stove. 

Shuuya looks around and his eyes catch on a shadowed corner with a little shelf. Curiosity wins over him and he stops in front of a silver framed photo, and it’s Endou, all dressed up, looking older than Shuuya remembers but younger than now next to… Kino Aki, their school friend back in middle school, dressed in a beautiful white gown. 

It’s a wedding day photo. 

Shuuya doesn’t have to guess. 

So, that’s… _something_. He… married Kino Aki. He has … mixed feelings. 

Okay, he knew Endou got married. It was clear. He tries to recall if he had a wedding ring on his finger, back in the common area, even if it’s useless, now, the photo being a clear proof. 

Kino Aki was this lovely girl in their class who Endou considered like a sister. As much he considered Shuuya as a brother. She was sweet, caring, and always ready to support Endou’s antics, in some ways. Shuuya can see it, now, in retrospect. Aki is a perfect fit, actually. More than Natsumi, demanding and independent. For what Shuuya remembers of her, she was calm enough to match Endou's never ending energy. 

All this logic, but fifteen years old Shuuya’s heart breaks. 

Not current Shuuya, though. Current Shuuya got over Endou Mamoru in his third year of high school after making out with Someoka Ryuugo in the back of his Station Wagon (his mom’s, actually). Current Shuuya doesn’t have feelings for Endou Mamoru anymore so his heart is safe when he sees that photo. It’s okay.

But the photo is still there and there are thoughts being thought in his mind. A memory comes up. 

One day, a few years back, Toramaru asked him _how you know you are in love?_ Shuuya looked at him, not knowing what to say and Toramaru did repeat the question, adding a _please_. 

Toramaru is three years his junior back at the firm. He is clever, dedicated and talented and Shuuya sees more of himself in him than he wants to. As Haizaki is Kidou’s disciple, Toramaru is his. They are friends, Shuuya thinks, they are really friends and Toramaru felt safe enough to ask that type of question. Answering, though, was _hard_. 

Love is made of a lot of things, that’s what Shuuya’s mom said, anyway. Love is what he feels for his baby sister, for Kidou, for his mother and, despite everything, for his father. He did tell that to Toramaru, but the other just shook his head and clarified: _you know what I mean_ . He knew what Toramaru meant, but it was scary to find out that when he thought about love, romantic, heart crunching love, his mind showed him an image of Endou Mamoru standing in the middle of the road to his house, umbrella forgotten, rain hitting his face. It was thirteen years after he saw him last and after him all the boys and men he ever tried to love as much as he loved him didn’t make the cut. He answered _how do you know you are in love_ with a o _h trust me, Toramaru, you’ll know_. Shuuya knew, for a year. 

Then he decided to stop being in love because Shuuya is good at bullshitting himself and others.

He isn’t in love with Endou Mamoru anymore. Or, at least, he is in love with the memory of being in love with him. Or something like that. 

The photo and knowing Endou has a family, that he loves someone else, that there is that type of love in his life, make Shuuya happy. He is happy for his old friend.

This is what he keeps telling himself. 

Shuuya is answering texts messages, emails and whatever else just to distract himself on the couch in the common room when he hears the front door open and voices in the hallway. Endou did come back, but then he had to go out to get groceries, bringing Tenma with him and telling him if he needed something, Kazemaru was out in the back. Apparently, Kazemaru is the only other person working at God Hand. Shuuya has still yet to meet this Kazemaru person, but Endou talks of him as they are friends more than co-workers. 

“Gouenji, is that you?” Raimon Natsumi is taking off her pink scarf as she looks delighted to see him and it’s a little weird, since they never really have been that close to being with, but Shuuya finds himself happy to see her too.

“Flesh and bone. You haven't changed a bit since middle school,” he stands up, leaving his conversation with Toramaru about a new paving in a building in Tokyo as he pushes his phone in the back pocket of his jeans. 

“Liar. I have short hair now,” she beams as she sports her freshly cut bob.

“Natsumi,” a soft voice interrupts their conversation before Shuuya can reply, “Oh, Gouenji.”

“Kino,” he whispers, “Hi.” 

Well, he supposes, she lives here. He was going to meet her, eventually. 

“Happy to see you. Do you know where Mamoru is?” she asks, hands full with a baking pan covered with a Christmas decorated kitchen towel.

“He went out for some grocery shopping. With Tenma.” 

“Oh, good. I told him we were low on things. He remembered.” 

Natsumi chuckles, “You texted him five times.” 

“I was about to text him again,” Aki smiles as Natsumi touches her arm. 

“Well, I’m going to put these in the kitchen. I hope you like lasagna, Gouenji,” and then she disappears. 

Natsumi keeps looking in the direction where she went, then she turns, a fond smile on her lips, “Aki is the chef of God Hand,” she explains as she walks over the couch and she sits on it, inviting Shuuya to do the same. 

“Let’s talk before Endou comes home.”

Shuuya nods, “Sure.”

He expects questions about the place, what he thinks of it, how much it will cost and how much time it’s going to take, but Natsumi doesn’t ask any of it, but a “So, how did he take it?” 

Shuuya tilts his head, long hair falling into his face, “What?”

“Seeing you after all these years!” 

“Oh, that. It… went well, I guess?” 

Natsumi lays back on the couch, crossing her long legs, “You guess?” 

“Raimon, what is this about?” 

“First of all, call me Natsumi. Second, I’m asking because you didn’t show up for years and years and he was really… sad when you didn’t reply to any of his attempts to reach you.” 

“We… I said I was sorry,” Shuuya murmurs. 

“Better than I expected,” Natsumi looks so satisfied. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Endou was always ready to forgive you if you said you were sorry and believed it. I’m glad you did apologize,” she pats his thigh lightly. 

“You two seems really close.”

Natsumi’s smile doesn’t waver, but her eyes do, “I hope we are,” she mutters and then she shakes her head, “We have to talk business now.”

Shuuya feels immediately better, now he is on neutral grounds, work is good, work makes Shuuya feel okay, this is what he does best. Fixing houses, making them better, making them new, making them, full stop. 

Architecture was a bold choice, out of spite and maybe because Kidou wanted to do it too and Shuuya needs someone he knows with him in life changing situations, but he found out that he likes it and he is talented enough to be famous in their circle. He likes the manuality of it, imagining things that aren’t there, not yet, but they will, once Shuuya finishes to craft them with a pencil first and a 3D program too expensive to be actually real. 

It’s fun and it’s better than being a lawyer or a doctor, anyway.

“Shoot,” Shuuya invites to speak with his hand, gold bracelet sliding over his wrist because of the movement. 

Natsumi takes a deep breath, like she has to collect her thoughts, “Aki didn’t want to, but I think this place needs… something else. Endou is too focused on keeping it running as his Grandpa did it back in the day. He doesn’t notice there are too many things he can’t fix or can’t hide. I swear I saw him fix the toilets five times this week. It’s not only that… I think it should be bigger, the house should have more rooms. This type of bed & breakfast is unique with the traditional and modern styles mixing, so I want you to keep that, but mostly I want to be functional not only for Endou, but for Aki too. She is the chef, as I told you. She comes here at five in the morning just to make breakfast for their guests and she loves it, but it’s tiring.”

“Why should she… doesn’t she live here?” Shuuya feels like he is missing something, here. 

Natsumi widens her eyes, eyeliner making them sharper, “No! Wait! You…”

“Aren’t they… like… married?” As he found out like one hour ago. 

“They got a divorce a year ago, Gouenji.”

Oh. 

“Oh.”

“You didn’t know?” 

“I didn’t know they were married.” 

“You didn’t get the invitation? Endou made sure to send it.” 

“No, I didn’t! Wait, this isn’t the point. Okay, they got married. Then they divorced.”

Natsumi nods, “They got married when they were like, twenty years old. They didn’t know what they wanted and their families pushed for it. But it didn’t work. They… were more friends than anything.”

“But they have Tenma,” Shuuya doesn’t know what he is trying to understand, but the situation is really doing something to his brain. 

He found out his ex best friend has a son, that he got married and then that he got divorced on the same day. That does something to someone’s brain. Too many changes in the span of three hours. 

“Tenma, yes, sweet angel,” Natsumi smiles, fondly, the same smile Endou had when he was talking about him, “They adopted him five years ago. He’s their joy.”

Shuuya feels shell-shocked, but Natsumi keeps talking so he keeps listening, “It’s really complicated and I had to… I complicated it even more.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Me and Aki,” she blushes, turns around to look at the window, outside is already dark, but Shuuya can see it’s snowing, now, “We are in a relationship.”

Oh. 

“Well,” Shuuya whispers, “That’s a lot to find out in a day.”

“I know,” Natsumi sighs, “This is another reason I,” she opens her arms big, gesturing to the house, “I want to do this for him. I want to know I’m his friend and be… you know, be useful. I don’t want him to think about me as the one who stole his wife or something like this. It was Kazemaru’s idea, actually, the renovation thing.” 

“Did you do it?”

“What?” 

“Stole his wife?” 

Natsumi punches him. Shuuya thinks it’s only fair. 

Shuuya gets ready for this damn dinner. He tries not to think about it, so he focuses on other things like getting clean and noticing structural errors. His room is small, but like everything inside of it, holds memories of long games of hide and seek and sleepovers, small giggles into the night and horror stories they shouldn’t have known at such a young age. Of course, it was his luck to get this specific room, Endou’s old childhood bedroom. Endou smiled when he showed it to him, scratching his head in embarrassment and adding _mine is the next one, if you need anything._

Shuuya chooses not to think. He hops into the shower, he struggles with the hot water, changes into more comfortable and cleaner clothes and then he waits for the right time to go down and have this dinner. 

Clearly, Endou doesn’t know about Natsumi’s plan. And it’s okay, it’s a surprise, he gets it, but it bothers Shuuya a little bit, maybe it’s his over present anxiety and his old friend known as paranoia. 

Shuuya shakes his head and ties up his hair, fixes his red sweatshirt and when the clock tells him it’s 7PM, he takes the stairs slowly. 

Being a Bed&Breakfast, the only thing it offers to its guests it’s… breakfast, so, it’s only them, the family. And Shuuya. He feels like a stranger taking a chair that doesn’t belong to him. 

He hears voices coming from the kitchen, giggles and laughs and Shuuya steps back in time for a few seconds. This trip is really making him sound like a nostalgic old man, but it’s what he really feels, memories and feelings lingering in his chest and on his fingertips, and not only that, but what ifs. What if he stayed? What if he replied? What if he wasn’t the coward he is, he was years ago?

Shuuya needs to get on track. He is here for work, not for _this_. This being feeling sorry for himself and thinking about the past. He made some choices, they can be wrong or right, but they were his choices and he stands by them. He is happy with himself, well, sort of, he knows he can be happier than this without too much effort, but he is actually proud of himself.

This is a job, he is here to work and he will work because it’s the thing he does best, that and baking. 

He takes a step inside the kitchen and Tenma runs for his legs, hugging them, “Hi, Dad’s friend.” 

Shuuya ruffles his hair, “Hi, Tenma, right?” 

“Yay! Do you want to see my toys? I bet you want to.”

“Tenma, darling, let go of Gouenji, we have to eat now,” Aki comes and Tenma lets Shuuya go with a pout, “I’m sorry about him, he doesn’t understand personal boundaries.” 

“I don’t have a problem with that,” Shuuya smiles, “And yes, I want to see your toys, Tenma. After dinner,” he adds after a threatening look from Aki. 

Shuuya doesn’t hate children, he likes them enough to think about having one of his own when the time is right. Tenma looks like a good kid and since it’s Endou’s son, he’s probably fun to be around and full of goodness and the way Tenma grins at him after he accepts to play with him after, confirms it. 

Shuuya looks up as Tenma runs back to the table, all set up with dinner. Endou is there, looking at him with a question in his eyes, but Shuuya has lost the ability to read them, apparently, because he doesn’t understand what he wants from him. 

It hurts his heart a little, to be honest, knowing this is his fault. Back in the day, he knew from a look, from an expression, from a smile, from the way he pursed his lips, from the way he touched Shuuya and from the place he touched Shuuya on, what Endou was thinking and feeling. Now, he can’t, and it’s something painful to acknowledge. 

“Come and sit, Gouenji,” Endou invites him as he takes his place at the head of the table--like his Grandpa used to do. 

“Where?” he asks more shily than politely. 

“Next to me?” Endou’s eyes shine a little bit and Shuuya nods, as he moves, sits down and notices how there are two different bottles of wine on the table and they are expensive. 

Natsumi’s doing, probably. Smart move. 

The dinner goes smoothly, they eat, they laugh, they talk about old times and childhood memories and for Shuuya it’s such a fun time. He stops remembering about the past alone and he does it with other people who probably were lost into their memories like him all day.

At some point, Natsumi clears her throat and Aki stands up, dust off invisible dirt from her skirt and says, “I’ll put Tenma to sleep.”

The small boy is struggling to stay awake as his mother gently pulls him and holds his hand. Natsumi’s smile mirrors Endou’s as they look at Aki and Tenma walk out of the kitchen. 

“Endou,” Natsumi is the first one to talk after a few moments of silence. 

Shuuya gulps down half of his glass of wine as Endou turns his head to face her, “Yeah?” he asks. 

“You are wondering why Gouenji is here…” she puts out, hands moving up and down on the red tablecloth.

“I guessed he isn’t here just to visit,” Endou replies. 

“No,” she says, “He isn’t.”

“Why, then?” 

“To give you a gift,” Natsumi reveals, “From me. It’s a big gift and…”

“Why would Gouenji give it to me?” 

Natsumi looks at him, almost begging and Shuuya has to find the strength to join this trainwreck of conversation because Endou doesn’t seem amused, he looks worried, “Natsumi… wants,” he breathes out, “She thought about gifting you my help… to renovate… God Hand,” he struggles a little, and maybe it’s the alcohol or the anxiety, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t like to talk, he isn’t good with words, Kidou is, and if Kidou was here, Endou probably wouldn’t be frowning right now. 

“What do you mean?” 

Natsumi sighs, “Endou, the place needs some fixing.” 

“And I’m fixing it? I don’t need help and sure God Hand doesn’t need to be renovated,” Endou fights her, looking at Shuuya for confirmation. 

Shuuya really wants to say he is right, but he isn’t, “I’m sorry, Endou, but God Hand has seen better days. If you could change the floors and make the common area a little bit bigger, maybe by eliminating the hallway it would be good and make it brighter and--”

“Wait,” Endou stops him, fingers closing around Shuuya’s arm, “You have already…” 

“I had free time. I noticed a few things,” Shuuya explains.

Endou laughs, not an ounce of fun in it and Shuuya closes his eyes for a second, “Look, Gouenji, I’m happy to see you again, but my… this… this place doesn’t need to change.”

“Endou, at least think about it?” Natsumi interjects, almost begging, and Shuuya feels her pain, really, she wants to do it for him, them, make their life a little bit easier.

“Think?” Endou murmurs.

Before Shuuya can say anything, Natsumi is already talking, “Gouenji is staying until the day after tomorrow. You have until then, to think over it. A night of sleep can clear your mind.”

Endou looks like he already made his decision, but his eyes move from Natsumi to Shuuya, and they don’t move as he nods, slowly. Shuuya swallows his saliva.

“I’ll clean,” Endou says and they know he is asking to leave him alone. 

Natsumi stands up, “I’ll go… tell Aki we are going home.” 

Shuuya finds himself looking at Endou’s back as he takes the dirty plates off the table and into the sink. He knows he is staring and he knows Endou can feel it. 

“You should go. Sleep. You must be tired after all of this,” Endou tells him as he turns on the faucet, water coming out full force, his hands shaking a little.

Shuuya, twenty-nine years old, hasn’t learnt yet how to use his words. He complies, muttering a “Goodnight,” as he leaves the kitchen and Endou. 

**6 days until Christmas.**

The next day, Shuuya feels like a complete stranger and at the same time a part of the family of God Hand.

He is ready to go and eat breakfast in town, but Aki stops him before he can reach the front door, the smell of hot coffee coming from behind her.

“Endou is out in the woods,” she explains without being asked as he sits down at the table, the same spot of the previous evening, “Tenma is looking for you.”

“Me?”

“He wants to show you his toys. You promised,” Aki kindly reminds him, giving him a plate full of food she must’ve cooked all morning while he slept.

“Thank you. And I know, I’m waiting for him.” 

Aki hums as she joins him at the table, green eyes on the big window showing the woods, covered in snow. 

“What’s wrong?” Shuuya asks because it’s polite and he doesn’t know if he has to pay to stay here, so he thinks he has to be kind in any case. 

“I’m worried about Mamoru,” she replies, honest, “Natsumi told me… he didn’t take it well.” 

“He didn’t, but I thought so,” Shuuya confirms. 

“Did you?” 

Shuuya nods.

“I did too,” Aki intertwines her fingers under her chin and Shuuya notices her necklace: a gold ring, probably her wedding ring.

“Then why let Natsumi do it anyway?” 

“Because she is right and you know too.” 

“Endou doesn’t seem to think the same,” Shuuya says back.

“No, he doesn’t want more changes,” Aki breathes out.

Shuuya tilts his head in confusion.

Aki smiles, sadly, “He didn’t want the divorce. He thought we were doing fine, but we… we really were only friends who shared a bed and a child. The only thing he has now is God Hand, or at least it’s what he thinks. It’s not true, of course, but Endou never learned how to take change well.” 

“Why are you telling me this?” Shuuya mumbles. It’s not like he doesn’t want to know, of course he is curious about their life and how it changed over the span of a decade, but also, he doesn’t know if he is allowed to… hear it. 

Aki lets out a laugh, “Why not? I know it’s been fifteen years, but I know you still care about him. It’s like… nothing changed between you.” 

Shuuya almost drops a pastry on the floor, “You are wrong.”

“I may be quiet, but I’m never wrong,” Aki points out.

“Things changed between us, we changed, it’s not the same as it was before,” Shuuya softly says.

“It’s normal, you are two grown men now, but I _saw_ you yesterday. I _saw_ Endou. And it was like being back in school or at Tsunami’s diner. I didn’t know what to expect when Natsumi told me she called you, but I’m happy you are here. It may do him some good,” and then she starts sipping her tea, eyes back on the window and Shuuya knows she is done with her speech.

 _I’ll leave tomorrow_ , this is what Shuuya wants to say, _I’ll leave tomorrow and I don’t know what to do once I’m not here anymore, I don’t know what to do now that I’m here and I don’t know if seeing me is really good for him. I hurt him so much. I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel._

He stays quiet instead. 

Tenma comes to show his toys with the famous Kazemaru Ichirouta. Famous because Endou spoke of him many times and Natsumi did too. 

Kazemaru is the only staff member of God Hand who doesn’t belong to the family and he’s been working here for almost a year, Endou said, adding how much of a blessing he is being to them, helping them without wanting to be paid, at first. 

He is quiet, Shuuya notices, as he enters the kitchen with Tenma on his shoulders, blue hair tied back covering half of his face and both of his ears. 

“Gouenji!” Tenma shrikes and Kazemaru winches but doesn’t let him go.

“What did we say about screaming?” Aki scolds him gently.

Tenma pouts, “It’s bad for the ears.”

“Mine, especially,” Kazemaru comments, softly and Tenma giggles, like he knows a secret other people don’t know. 

“Do you want some coffee, Kazemaru?” Aki asks as Tenma runs to her after Kazemaru puts him down, socks on wooden floors. She kisses his forehead, then she starts fixing his hair, kneeling in front of him. Shuuya looks away, all his attention on Kazemaru Ichirouta, jeans and dark black sweater. 

He is pretty, Shuuya thinks. 

Kazemaru fixes his pale green jacket as he answers, “Just because it’s too cold. It’s probably going to get worse.” 

“Worse?” Shuuya speaks before he can stop himself. He isn’t used to talking to strangers outside of work reasons.

“Yeah, I don’t know, but I think it’s going to snow pretty badly this week. Or at least it’s what Fudou says. His knee hurts when it’s about to snow hard. Something about a skiing accident,” Kazemaru takes the cup of coffee from Aki, “Let’s hope he’s wrong. He usually is.” 

Spoiler alert: whoever this Fudou guy is, he wasn’t wrong. It was about to get worse. The wind picked up, the snow falling got worse and the temperature was so low Aki had to bring more blankets into the common area. 

It’s five PM when Endou finally comes back home from his hiding in the forest. He is covered in snow, clothes wet as well as the logs of woods under his arm. Aki fusses over him and Shuuya just looks at them as he plays with Tenma on the floor, next to the chimney. 

Endou’s eyes are on the both of them as Aki tells him to stay put, tea in one hand and towel in another and Shuuya doesn’t know what it means, but he looks away, Tenma asking him about his favourite Pokémon. 

Everything is calm for an hour. Endou is sitting on the couch, all his attention on the TV, now, as Aki is about to go home back to Natsumi. 

Shuuya is still on the floor, head on his knees playing with Tenma and his robots, stopping himself from glancing at Endou. He bites his bottom lip, asking himself why he is behaving like he is his old teenage self. Shuuya got over him, right? He never really thought about Endou Mamoru that much, after all. Well, that’s a bit of a lie he keeps telling himself. He never really forgot him, and it’s normal, they were friends, best of friends and Shuuya learned how to love by loving him, but it’s been years. Years and now after seeing him for twenty four hours he feels like back then.

He decides not to think about it. 

Whatever program was on the TV gets interrupted by breaking news: the whole region is going to be subject to a blizzard, a nasty one by the looks of it and citizens are warned to stay inside until it’s safer. 

Then, Shuuya’s phone dings.

A SMS from the air company. 

His flight for the next day has been cancelled. 

He is stuck in the middle of a blizzard in his childhood’s crush house who probably wants to have nothing to do with him after that disastrous conversation last night, for who he may or not may still have lingering feelings for. 

At least Tenma is happy to have him around, as he giggles after Shuuya sacrificed himself to let him win the game. He clings to Shuuya as his mother tells him it’s time to say goodbye, she is going back home, _give me a kiss_!

“Can I talk to you?” 

Endou is leaning against the doorframe, hands in the pockets of his jeans, checkered flannel shirt on. 

Shuuya is surprised to find him there, thinking he was going to be the one to crack first and talk to Endou, but he nods, “Sure.”

Endou takes a step inside the room and he turns to close the door, Shuuya’s eyes following his every movement, the way fingers close on the handle, the way his back muscles move under the shirt, the way he scratches the back of his head.

“So, the blizzard.”

The big elephant in the room. 

Shuuya sighs, “About that, my flight is cancelled, but I’m trying to find a solution, so don’t really worry about it.”

“A solution?” Endou asks, surprised. 

“Yes? You want me to leave and I don’t know, maybe I can get a car or something,” Shuuya explains as he looks back at his phone, tab over tab opened on the air company websites or car rentals. He is looking for a car despite not having a driving license. It’s going to be a problem for Future Shuuya. 

“What? I don’t want you to leave.”

Shuuya huffs out a laugh, “Don’t lie. I know you don’t like me being here.”

“I’m not lying. I want you to stay here and I won’t allow you to leave until the weather is better,” Endou sounds confused and a little irritated by Shuuya’s words. 

Shuuya doesn’t really understand him, so he just raises an eyebrow. Endou laughs, “Do you really think I’m angry with you because you came here to renovate God Hand?”

“Yesterday night, you…”

Endou shakes his head, “It’s Natsumi I’m… displeased with, not you. You don’t have a fault in this and I realized I exaggerated, actually, so I’m sorry.”

Shuuya shakes his head, “There is no need.”

“There is if you thought I was about to kick you out.”

Shuuya chuckles at that, “Right.”

“Are you going to stay?” Endou breathes out the question after a few moments of silence between them, warm eyes on him and there is something there, something lingering inside of his eyes and his words and his actions, and Shuuya feels like he’s fifteen hoping Endou would ask him to stay instead of just looking at him under the rain. 

“If you’ll have me,” Shuuya answers and his heart beats a little faster and the room feels a little warmer. 

Endou grins, and it’s not only warmer now, but also brighter. 

Shuuya: Guess who’s stuck 

Yuuka: what do you mean

Shuuya: Blizzard. Pretty bad blizzard. They closed the airport and there aren’t flights until after Christmas. I’m sorry. 

Yuuka: fuck is it that bad? 

Shuuya: Yeah and I called for a car but…

Yuuka: that’s what you get for being an useless gay

Shuuya: Look, I’m sorry. 

Yuuka: its not your fault i’ll call toramaru and ask him he wants to spend the holidays with me 

Yuuka: so hes going to say come over at our place and im going to eat tobitaka’s food which its great

Yuuka: i’ll be fine

Yuuka: how r u holding up

Shuuya: I’m fine, it’s not that bad here

Yuuka: wow 

Yuuka: i thought you hated inazuma 

Shuuya: I don’t hate it. Just bad memories

Yuuka: hows endou? 

Shuuya: He is fine. He has a son and an ex wife

Yuuka: lmao more than you 

Shuuya: Oh shut up

Yuuka: i need a nephew to thrive, shuuya

Shuuya: Shut up

Yuuka: or a brother in law i need something

Shuuya: You have Toramaru 

Yuuka: not the same anyway since he has an ex wife you go for it

Shuuya: Don’t say go for it ever again

Yuuka: we all know you had a huge crush on him so pls maybe now its the right time you both mature enough and whatever 

Shuuya: I’m not answering you anymore. Bye

**5 days until Christmas.**

The blizzard picked up during the nighttime. Shuuya gets out of his cocoon of blankets, shivers all over his body. He walks over to the window, moving the curtain with his index finger to get a peek of the outside. It’s different from the day before, snow everywhere, inches high and Shuuya knows they are stuck inside the house, the wind too strong and the snow still falling. 

He glances at the clock on the wall, above his head. He sighs, too early, but now he won’t fall asleep again. He dresses himself warm and comfortable, a huge oversized sweater on a black turtleneck and he heads downstairs, slippers not making a sound on the staircase. 

Endou is in the kitchen when he enters it, looking at the stove and the fridge with a clueless expression on his face, lips pursed and hands on his hips.

“Good morning,” Shuuya says.

Endou turns, “Oh, you are up.”

Shuuya nods, then he looks outside, he gestures towards the window, “The wind.”

“Right, you are a light sleeper,” Endou comments offhandedly, his attention back to the kitchen.

“I am,” Shuuya whispers, stopping that part of his mind from wandering, “What are you doing?” 

“Aki can’t come over. She told me she already cooked breakfast for today, but she promised Tenma…” he pauses, biting his lip. 

Shuuya doesn’t try to push him, instead he waits. Endou puts his hands in his hoodie pockets. Shuuya hooks a strand of hair behind his ear. Endou sighs. Shuuya breathes out.

“She promised to make cookies with him.”

Shuuya walks over to stand next to him, leaning against the counter, “Okay.”

“Of course, she can’t come.”

“Of course,” Shuuya repeats after him. 

“The blizzard.”

“It isn’t safe,” Shuuya comments. 

“But Tenma was talking about making cookies with her all week and yesterday before going to sleep he told me he wanted to make these damn cookies and I lost sleep over it asking myself how can I make my child happy and--”

Shuuya nudges him with his elbow and Endou raises an eyebrow, questioning. Shuuya’s lips curve in a small smile, “I can help, if you want.”

The words hang there, in the silence, as Endou looks at him, expression unreadable (new) and Shuuya almost regrets talking, coming here, being born.

Endou breaks into a smile before Shuuya can flee the kitchen, “Will you?”

“If you want,” Shuuya emphasizes.

“Stop saying it like that,” Endou chides him, pout on his lips as he moves up to face Shuuya, fingers playing with the hem of his orange hoodie.

“Like what?”

“Like I don’t like you being here,” he replies, earnest and honest, _open_ , eyes twinkling a little and Shuuya feels like drowning, feels like letting it go.

He doesn’t.

“Anyway,” Endou keeps going as Shuuya tries to recover from whatever it was, “Do you know how to make cookies?”

“Yeah,” Shuuya answers. 

“Really?” 

“I learned how to make them for Yuuka,” Shuuya shrugs as he explains, “She likes them and I found out baking is pretty fun, so I picked up some… skills along the way,” Shuuya crosses his arms over his chest. 

“Wow, I never thought you’d like something like baking,” Endou is smiling, though, affection slipping into his tone and Shuuya has to look away, unable to meet his eyes. 

“It makes me relax.”

“I’m not judging you,” Endou raises his hands in defence, “I’m appreciating you.”

“I know,” Shuuya murmurs and he tries not to blush as Endou puts a hand on his shoulder to squeeze it.

“So, are you going to help me with Tenma?” 

“Yes, but first I need caffeine,” Shuuya escapes Endou’s hold on him, and moves to pour some coffee into one of the mugs available, only to find out that there isn’t coffee anywhere. 

“Endou,” he says.

“Didn’t have time to make it. I was too busy spacing out,” Endou says with an apologetic smile as Shuuya groans.

Endou laughs, “I’ll make it for you, go sit.”

“Okay, but just because I’m too tired to argue with you,” Shuuya lets him win as Endou gently pushes him towards the table, both of his hands on Shuuya’s lower back. 

Tenma wakes up a few hours later and he finds the both of them in the middle of a card game, Shuuya losing badly and Endou smiling victoriously at every turn. 

“Dad,” Tenma calls out, walking barefoot, the baby blue pajamas set too big on him and his round eyes full of sleep. 

Endou turns in his direction, “Good morning,Tenma.”

“Why,” yawn, “Didn’t you wake me up?” he asks seriously, stopping himself in the center of the kitchen.

Shuuya finds him adorable with his messy hair and sleepy pout.

“If I wake you up too early, you get angry with me,” Endou explains, eyes going back to his cards. 

“You didn’t wake me up just because you wanted to spend time with Gouenji,” Tenma pads over the table.

Endou almost chokes on his saliva and Shuuya tries his best to not get the words of a literal child stuck into his brain. 

“Well, he is my friend,” Endou weakly says. 

Tenma tilts his head, “He’s my friend too. I’m hungry,” he finally reaches the table and he plops down on the chair next to Shuuya, crossing his tiny arms over his tiny chest. 

Shuuya pets his head mindlessly and Tenma smiles, his eyes twinkling. 

“Okay, what do you want to eat? There is rice in the rice cooker, but also your mom made pancakes, if you want them,” Endou sets his cards, front down, on the table, “We’ll resume later.”

“You just want to win,” Shuuya laughs. 

Endou winks at him.

“So,” Endou puts Tenma’s re-heated pancakes in front of him, “Jam or chocolate cream? How do you feel this morning?” 

Tenma pouts as he ponders the question very seriously, “I think I’ll go with jam.”

Endou nods, “Good. Listen, Tenma.”

Tenma stabs his pancake with a fork, holding it up the wrong way, but he’s cute, so Shuuya doesn’t say anything as he watches him eat and make a mess of himself.

“What?” Tenma gulps down before reply to his father.

“Your mom can’t come over today. Maybe even tomorrow…”

Tenma holds the fork tightly into his tiny hand, “But she promised… the cookies.”

“I know, sweetheart, I know, but the blizzard is still going on and it’s pretty dangerous for her to come here with this weather,” Endou knees down to look Tenma at his eye level. 

Shuuya feels like he isn’t supposed to be here, the moment too intimate for a stranger to be there, with them, but then Endou’s hand finds his thigh, patting it as he says, “But don’t be sad! We’ll still make the cookies, Gouenji here promised to help us with making them.”

Tenma looks at him with so much hope, eyes shining the same way Endou used to shine when he was about to cry over something important to him. Shuuya nods, “Yes, I’ll help, we can’t let your father get too close to the oven, though, or he will burn down the kitchen.”

Tenma laughs, high and loud, at that as Endou says “Hey!” but without taking a real offence, because he knows Shuuya is right. 

Two hours later, after all the guests had breakfast and then went back to their rooms, Tenma is covered in flour, sitting cross legged on the kitchen countertop eating the honey from the bottle as Shuuya mixes the dough with his bare hands because Endou doesn’t know where the mixer is. 

Speaking of Endou, he is next to Shuuya, not really doing much except watching and reading the recipe out loud when Shuuya asks him to do it. 

The floor and the kitchen are a mess and Shuuya doesn’t want to think about cleaning after they are done. The fact is: he’s enjoying this, he's actually having fun, with Tenma giggling and telling Shuuya all about his friends Kyouchan and Shinchan and their adventures in the woods, with elves coming out to greet them and tell them stories about Santa Claus and how it’s easy to find happiness in a known place.

“Tenma, love, please stop eating all the honey. We’ll need to have lunch soon,” Endou chides him, but Tenma just sticks his tongue out, glossy lips because of the honey. 

“Listen to your father, Tenma. Besides, we need the honey,” Shuuya hopes he isn’t getting too comfortable with someone else's son. He is a little bit scared of imposing himself in this family dynamic he isn’t familiar with, where he is a stranger. 

Tenma nods and he puts down the honey, “Okay.”

Endou clicks his tongue, “Incredible.”

Shuuya raises an eyebrow in a question (“ _Was it too much?”_ ), but Endou touches his arm lightly ( _“No, it was okay, don’t worry”_ ) and Shuuya smiles at him. 

Slowly, they are falling into their old habits. Every minute they spend together, their relationship becomes more and more like it was back in the day. Shuuya didn’t know it was possible, not after all these years, not after all the changes, but here they are, understanding each other with a look after spending some time in the same room, like being separated meant nothing in the long run. And maybe it’s true, maybe what they shared, friendship, affection, love, was--is stronger than time. 

Shuuya is also scared of this, just thinking about this terrorizes him, because it means… it means a lot of things Shuuya thought he overcame. 

“Are you okay?” Endou whispers, too close to Shuuya’s ear, and it almost makes Shuuya’s heart jump out of his chest. 

“Yeah, sorry, spaced out a little bit,” he takes a step back, to put some distance between himself and the object of his thoughts.

“Oh,” Endou breathes out, confusion on his face.

Shuuya needs to do something. Luckily, he is already doing something.

Shuuya claps his hands together, flour getting everywhere, “Tenma, let’s get that honey into the dough, so we can make it into a ball and let it rest for half an hour. Then your father will clean the kitchen,” Shuuya explains as he bops Tenma’s nose.

“Why do I have to clean?” Endou whines. 

Shuuya wipes his hands on the red apron he borrowed from the closet (“It’s Aki’s,” Endou explains, “She left it here after moving out. Maybe because it was my gift, who knows.”), “Did you make the dough?” 

Endou sighs in defeat. 

“We need…” Shuuya searches everywhere for cookie cutters, finding them inside the same closet where he found the now dirty apron, “Here, choose the shapes you like the most,” he puts the box on the kitchen counter, Tenma’s hand already reaching inside of it. 

Endou glances over them as he unloads the dishwasher, “I want the candy cane one.”

Shuuya smiles, “Not surprised.”

Endou laughs, “Do you remember?” 

Shuuya crosses his arms, “Of course.”

“Remember what?” Tenma asks as he takes out a cookie cutter in the shape of a snowflake. 

“Your father was obsessed with candy canes when we were younger,” Shuuya recalls as he re-ties his long hair back into a low bun, “Your grandmother had to make candy cane and candy cane shaped cookies all December because of him.”

Endou gets closer, hooking his chin on Tenma’s head, “I liked them a normal amount.”

“It was weird, never understood why you were obsessed with them.”

“They reminded me of you,” Endou says, with honesty into his tone.

Shuuya coughs, “What?”

“Yeah,” Endou scratches his forehead under his orange headband, “They were white and red, like, your hair and your favourite color? And they were sweet, just like you…” Endou winks, again, now with his tongue sticking out, but with affection in his eyes. 

Shuuya almost chokes, “Endou!”

“It’s true!” 

“That’s…”

“What?”

Tenma looks at them, head moving like he’s watching a tennis match. 

Once the cookies are into the oven and the smell of cinnamon and ginger permanently attached to them, Tenma yawns. 

Shuuya caresses his hair as Endou re-heats their lunch. 

“Don’t fall asleep,” Shuuya says. 

“I won’t,” Tenma replies. 

“Good.”

But Tenma closes his eyes and he rests his head against Shuuya’s arm. 

“They need to cool down, Endou,” Shuuya smacks Endou’s hand. 

“You are too mean,” Endou pouts. 

“I’m doing it for you, not for me,” Shuuya tells him, “Go and wake up your son, he needs to eat lunch.”

“Look at you,” Endou smiles, “Already bossing me around.”

Shuuya blushes, he bites the insides of his cheek, “If it makes you uncomfortable…”

Endou wides his eyes, then he shakes his head, hands already on Shuuya’s shoulders. He keeps touching him and Shuuya keeps falling, where he doesn’t know, but he falls. 

“Hey, it’s fine, I don’t have a problem with that. Besides, I know you. I know you are not really serious.”

“Do you?” Shuuya whispers. 

“What?”

“Know me?”

“I spent the first fifteen years of my life getting to know you. Trust me, I do,” Endou takes a step back, and he looks at the perfectly golden gingerbread cookies they made together. 

Shuuya doesn’t reply, following his line of sight. 

“He really likes you,” Endou breathes out after a while, waiting for the cookies to cool down, “He likes everyone, if I have to be honest. He’s a sweet kid and he is pretty open and trusting, but… he’s shy, he’s never been like this outside of our unconventional family. He must like you a lot.”

“I like him too…” Shuuya whispers, not knowing what to say to this except the truth, “He’s a good kid, you raised him well.”

“I try. After the death of his parents and the divorce, I don’t know if I’m really doing a good job, but I try. I just want to make my son happy,” Endou closes his eyes and Shuuya gets closer to him, arms touching. 

“You make him happy,” Shuuya reassures him. 

Endou huffs out a laugh, “I don’t know. Our family is what it is and I… I’m in a kind of a… slump, but Tenma never lost his smile, so that is a good sign.” 

Shuuya stays quiet for a few minutes, taking his time to choose his words carefully and Endou waits. Endou always waited because he knew Shuuya needed time to find his words, that they didn’t come as naturally to Shuuya as they came to him. He waits for him, even now, and Shuuya’s heart aches. 

“Endou,” Shuuya begins, “I understand if you still love your ex wife and--”

“Wait,” Endou stops him, looking defeated, by what Shuuya doesn’t know. He sighs, crossing his arms over his chest, and he looks up,“That’s... the whole point, I don’t love her. I didn’t love her when we got married. No, that’s wrong,” he groans, “I love her, as a friend, but never… you know and I understand her and her reasons but…”

“You didn’t want to give up,” Shuuya finishes for him, “For Tenma. You wanted him to have what you had.”

“Gotcha,” Endou weakly smiles, then he lets out a shaky laugh, “I’m not sad because my wife left me, I’m sad because I’m a man who doesn't know how to give up and give in.”

“That’s always been your best and worst feature,” Shuuya’s elbows touch the kitchen counter as he puts a hand under his chin.

“Yeah?” 

Shuuya nods, “I’ve always admired you for that, but resented you a little because I don’t have your… willpower. I’m… used to giving up on things.”

“Like what?” Endou asks, he looks down on him and Shuuya feels judged from above.

“You know,” Shuuya murmurs. 

“I know,” Endou confirms. 

**4 days until Christmas.**

“So, why is this place not bursting out of Christmas decorations and happy holidays spirit?” Shuuya asks over their card game. 

It’s the next day, and this time, Shuuya is winning. The blizzard is still going on, Tenma is watching cartoons in the common room and they are still playing games. 

It takes a lot of courage to ask the question, Shuuya is still trying to dive into this… reforming friendship slash relationship, too scared to burn Endou and himself again. But not seeing multi colored lights, mistletoe hanging on doors, little Santa Claus made of ceramic standing everywhere, the huge tree decorated with specific Christmas balls and so on, it’s bothering Shuuya. It’s December and God Hand should be bursting with Christmas spirit as it did when he was a young boy with a scarf too long for his short body. 

“Didn’t really feel like it,” Endou answers as he looks at his cards, a pensive expression on his face. 

“What do you mean? You love this time of the year,” Shuuya takes another card from the table, making another point. 

Endou groans. Then he pouts, “You’re right, Christmas is my second favorite time of the year, after summer. But, it’s not really Christmas without a family,” Endou struggles a little in saying this, but he does and Shuuya understands they are going to have a serious conversation.

It’s happening a lot, these days, with being locked inside the house because of the blizzard and trying to tell each other fifteen years worth of life (for example, at dinner, Shuuya told Endou about his ex boyfriends, about coming out to his father, his best friend Kidou, how Toramaru is going to kill him, leading to a rant about Yuuka new fashion line). 

Shuuya puts his cards down, “You have a family.” 

“My parents are in another city and Tenma is going to spend Christmas day with Aki and Natsumi,” Endou mimics his actions. 

Shuuya nods, not wanting to fight a losing battle, or at least not so early in the morning, “Okay, but you still need a Christmas tree.”

“When did you become a big Christmas fan?” Endou mocks him. 

Shuuya smacks his lips together, “I like Christmas just fine and I’m going to spend it here because of this damned blizzard instead of being with my sister. So, I want a Christmas tree.”

“Then we’ll get a Christmas tree,” Endou gives in, but there is a smile full of affection on his lips and Shuuya knows he wants this as much as him, “And we’ll decorate.”

“Fine by me,” Shuuya gives him a thumbs up.

Endou nods, seriously, “Now, give me those cards. You can’t shuffle them.”

**3 days until Christmas.**

The next day, they finally can go out. The blizzard stopped, but the consequences are still there: snow so high you can’t see anything over it, the cold freezing things up like Endou’s pick up truck and his flight still being cancelled indefinitely because of concerns and airport damages due to the snow. 

It’s okay, Shuuya thinks, he likes staying here more than he thought. 

Endou is warm and welcoming, always spending time with him. They started cooking together, for example, and Shuuya cherishes those moments of calm where Endou just listens to his orders to not burn their lunch and the kitchen. They play card games like two old men, and both of them are sore losers and super competitive, so it’s more than fun. Tenma is with them most of the time, asking questions and explanations, watching like a hawk their games. Sometimes he settles in an armchair, blankets all over him and his Nintendo Switch too big for his little hands and he catches Pokémon as Shuuya and Endou watch the TV, becoming invested in a tv series full of twists and turns. 

Kazemaru appears for the first time in three days, a black beanie on his head and his hands inside the pockets of his jacket, “Hey, Gouenji.”

“Oh, you are back,” Shuuya states, stupidly. 

Kazemaru snickers, “I work here when the weather allows it. I have to check a few things for Endou. Also, I had to bring Fudou since Endou’s pick up broke down.”

“Fudou?” another dumb question, but Kazemaru nods in the general direction of Endou.

Endou isn’t alone anymore. Next to him and his yellow pick up truck there is a man, long messy brown hair sticking everywhere. He is listening as Endou explains the problem, mostly with his hands. 

“Fudou, my… associate,” Kazemaru says, almost biting his bottom lip, “He’s a mechanic. He works down at Kabeyama’s shop.”

“Associate?”

“It’s a long story,” Kazemaru follows Shuuya’s gaze on the other two, Fudou with his body leaning inside the hood of the car.

“I have time if you do,” Shuuya usually doesn’t say things like this, but he’s different out there, maybe it’s the mountain air, the city smog non clouding his brain for a while. 

Kazemaru shakes his head, laughing, “I don’t, actually, but you can always ask Tenma. He knows everything,” he winks, leaving Shuuya confused. 

What a weird guy. 

Shuuya is drinking coffee when both Endou and Fudou enter the kitchen, Endou dusting off his jacket from the snow that fell on him when he raised the hood of his car. 

“Good news, Fudou fixed it. We are back in business,” Endou exclaims, big smile on his lips.

“It was nothing,” Fudou replies, “But you are still going to pay me for a thing you could do yourself, so it’s good.”

Endou scratches his forehead, “Like I could. You know me.”

“So, this is Gouenji,” Fudou changes the subject, his knife-like grey eyes studying Shuuya from head to toe. 

Endou nods, “Yes, Fudou, this is Gouenji, Gouenji, this is Fudou.”

“Pleasure to finally meet you,” he sounds ironic, his smile looking like a mockery. 

“I would say the same, but I didn’t hear about you until this morning,” but Shuuya was born and raised in a specific family. 

Fudou arches an eyebrow, then he laughs his ass off, “Good, good,” he looks around, smacks Endou on the shoulder, “I’m off. Tell Kazemaru I’ll wait for him for five minutes then he’s on foot.”

“You won’t,” Endou replies. 

Fudou tilts his head, hands in his pocket, his posture question mark shaped, “You are right, but tell him anyway. I’ll go say hi to Tenma.”

He leaves without adding anything else. 

Endou coughs, “He’s a good man, he’s just peculiar.”

“Kazemaru said he was his associate,” Shuuya leans back against the counter.

Endou reaches him, arms and legs touching Shuuya’s body. He doesn’t take a step to put some distance between them, “Kazemaru likes to pretend he hates him and Fudou likes to make him angry for no reason. I just think they are going to have a nasty surprise when they figure out they indeed like each other.”

Shuuya hums, “Fun.”

“They are, to be around. Strangely, I trust them.”

“Strangely?” 

“Well,” Endou moves his hands up and down on his jeans to make them warmer, “They showed up out of nowhere a year ago. They came out of the woods and they were lost. We kind of adopted them inside of the community without asking too many questions.”

“That’s…”

“Dumb?”

“Yes, but kind of nice.”

“They are good people in the end. Kazemaru is good with doing manual work like he was born to be in the production business and Fudou has a way with machines, so,” Endou shrugs, “It was natural to get them a job here and at Kabeyama’s. Well, Aki had to make me hire Kazemaru because I didn’t want to at first, but I don’t regret it. Tenma likes them a lot, too.”

“You really don’t like changing things around here,” Shuuya comments, and he does it without thinking too much about what he is implying. 

Endou walks away from him, the side of his body colder now, “Gouenji.”

He realizes too late.

Shit.

“You know it isn’t what I mean, Endou,” he tries to fix it, soothe Endou with his voice, but Endou has his hands in two fists.

Fuck.

“Then what did you mean?” he asks.

Shuuya gulps, “I… it’s true, you don’t want things to change. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing.”

“But you came here to change it. God Hand,” Endou crosses his arms, closing himself, and Shuuya sighs, “You came here to do your job.”

“Right. I came here for that. But you say you don’t want me to do that. I’m not trying to convince you.”

“You are saying I don’t take change well,” Endou whispers.

Shuuya puts down his mug of coffee, “I understand your reluctance. You grew up here, in this place, and it was always the same from the day you were born. Well, not always the same, counting that time where your Grandfather wanted a chimney. Your family worked here, only your family. I don’t want it to change too… I like God Hand as it is.”

“But,” Endou adds for him and he looks more calm now, luckily. 

“But it’s true it could be more… just _more_.”

“More,” Endou echoes him. 

“I can show you,” Shuuya takes a step closer, hand hanging in the air, waiting for Endou to take it, to trust him a little bit.

Shuuya gets it. He gets it. Endou doesn’t want to lose the only thing he has now, that it’s only his. God Hand is his. It’s him. Changing it could mean losing the spark that makes God Hand Endou’s place. Fortunately, he has got the architect who grew up in this place with him, who shares the same love and affection for it, who can see the ways to make it more, more… without changing his core nature, the meaning Endou Daisuke had in mind when he created it, shaped it. 

Endou takes his hand, calluses against the soft skin. 

“Show me.”

They spend the afternoon with Shuuya explaining structural flaws and how to improve the common place, the rooms, the kitchen, how they could make it bigger, taking some space from the backyard, connecting the hotsprings to the inside of the house. On how separate the personal spaces of the owners. On how it would look brighter, more welcoming with a different color, on how the chimney could be bigger and how he should invest in a central heating for the upstairs floors (“It’s really cold in the morning and you wouldn’t lose the chimney, you would optimize it”). And it feels good to be doing what he knows best again. Work isn’t really on his mind, lately, and it’s weird, because work is everything to him. He feels more himself as he touches the wooden walls with his fingertips, recognizing them like they are his best friends. 

“If I had my computer I could make a 3D model,” Shuuya breaks the silence after a few minutes. Endou doesn’t look at him, eyes on the wall in front of them, the one Shuuya wants to eliminate in the renovations. 

“I don’t need it, you explained it well,” Endou coughs, rough voice after being quiet for a long time. 

“Oh, thank you,” Shuuya murmurs. 

“I can see it,” Endou admits, taking a huge step to reach the couch to sit on, patting the place next to him for Shuuya to do the same. 

He complies. 

“I’m sorry I reacted badly. It was… wrong of me.”

“It’s okay, I should’ve…”

“No, you shouldn’t. It’s…” Endou has his head in his hands, elbows against his knees, now, “I don’t know why I am behaving like this. You just want to help, Natsumi too. Here I go, behaving like a child.”

“Endou.”

“No, not a child because my son doesn’t behave like this and he’s eight.”

“What I want to say,” Shuuya clears his throat, making him understand that he doesn’t want to be interrupted again, “It’s okay if you are not ready to let go. You can think about it for a whole year, and if you want to make some changes, you can call me. You have my number. And if you don’t want to, call me anyway.”

Endou laughs, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Endou raises his head, laying with his back against the couch. Shuuya gets closer to him, hand on his thigh as he says, “It’s just… I don’t know what I want.”

“That’s fine too. You have the time to think about it.”

Endou turns to look at him, eyes twinkling, lips made for kissing, spiky hair a mess, and Shuuya feels the rush of feelings coming back to him, full force, all the love and affection and care he felt at that fourteen in this same room for the same man in front of him. 

“Time?” Endou asks. 

Shuuya looks away, hairs falling on his face, “All your life. To figure out what you want, I mean.”

“I think I’m getting close to finding it,” Endou whispers.

Shuuya doesn’t ask what he means. 

“What do you think about this?”

“Too small. We need a big tree.”

Shuuya groans, “That was too small, this is too big. Please, make a decision, I’m freezing.”

Endou laughs, then he shakes his head, “I told you, coming here with me was risky. Aki told you too. Also, we could’ve just cut one in the woods.”

“There was too much snow, you know it was a safety hazard.”

“Then don’t whine.”

Shuuya softly blows on his hands to try to make them warmer, “I’ll whine if I want. I’m freezing, I’m regretting everything, but now we are, so, please, if you ever cared about me, pick a tree.”

Endou beams and gets closer, covering Shuuya’s hands with his bigger gloved ones, “You could have asked me for a pair of gloves.”

They are close, so close Shuuya can feel Endou’s breath on his face. He doesn’t want to get away, though, Endou is warm against him. 

“I forgot,” Shuuya looks away.

“All right, then, hands in the pockets young man, we have a tree to pick,” he says, but he doesn’t let go one of Shuuya’s hands, putting it in _his_ coat pocket.

Shuuya blushes, “Endou!” 

“What?” 

“Hand?” 

“You’ll be warmer this way. Oh, I like that one. Let’s go.”

They pick the tree (and now everybody in the shop think they are a couple because Endou wouldn’t stop holding Shuuya’s hand, but Shuuya isn’t really complaining), they get the tree inside the house, they call over Aki, Natsumi and Tenma--he’s staying with them now--to start decorate it because Endou said something about family time. 

“I should call Kazemaru too,” he says as he gets the soil ready to put the tree inside of it.

“Give me your phone, I’ll do it for you.”

Endou shows him his dirty hands, “Can’t.”

Shuuya shakes his head and he moves over to take Endou’s phone from his jeans back pocket, “Password?” he asks, smiling at Endou’s lockscreen, him and Tenma making silly faces. 

“Uh, that’s embarrassing, but it’s 0110 like our jersey numbers when we were in the soccer club back in middle school,” Endou keeps his eyes on the pot, but Shuuya can see his cheeks becoming red, matching Shuuya’s. 

“It’s okay.”

“It’s that or Tenma’s birthday.”

“It’s cute,” Shuuya admits out loud , “I kind of forgot about that.”

“Our jersey numbers or the soccer club?” Endou asks.

Shuuya should really drop the subject, “The jersey numbers. They match well, 01 and 10.”

Endou nods, “Mom used to say that we completed each other.”

“Do you think she was right?” Shuuya doesn’t know how to breathe anymore.

Endou turns to look at him, “I think she was kind onto something.”

Shuuya calls Kazemaru.

“Endou, something the matter?” the other picks up, voice shaky.

“Actually, it’s Gouenji.”

“Oh, sorry,” he hears Kazemaru move around, “Still.”

“Endou wanted to know if you can come over. We are decorating God Hand.”

“He finally decided to do it? Was it you?”

“Me?”

“Did you convince him to do it?” Kazemaru clarifies and there is a bit of urgency in his tone Shuuya can’t explain. 

“Convince is a big word, I just told him that we needed to brighten up the place.”

“That’s really good news… good news. Really good. I’m coming over. Fudou is coming with me. Shouldn’t be a problem. See you there,” and he hangs up.

This is the first time he hears Kazemaru say all those words one after another. 

“Hey.”

“So, you are alive.”

“Kidou.”

“Just kidding, but you didn’t call me for a few days. Everything is ok?” 

“Let’s say… just a blizzard and falling back in love with your childhood crush kind of situation.”

“What? I knew it! Not about the blizzard, I’m sorry about that. But I knew the other thing.”

“You were praying on my downfall.”

“Oh please, stop being so dramatic. You were never over him, like, you thought you were, but you never really stopped thinking about him and what ifs. I know your brain.”

“You do.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know, I’m stuck here for a few more days then…”

“You’ll leave.”

“Mh.”

“You don’t want to?”

“I want to. I just don’t know how to… behave. I like him.”

“I think you know what to do.”

“Please, tell me.”

“Behave like a grown up man and tell him how you feel.”

“Oh, look, it’s getting late and I have a tree and house to decorate, so I’ll go. It was fun hearing from you.”

“Coward. Look at you, playing family with your crush. Lovely.”

“Shut up.”

Shuuya’s shoulder aches from making Tenma sit on them as he hangs Christmas decorations all over the tree. Endou is struggling with the lights and Aki is running everywhere with ornaments and garlands to hang all over the house. Kazemaru and Fudou decided to decorate the outside of God Hand. Natsumi is taking photos and videos of everything. 

“As the mayor, I have to show my Christmas spirit to the community,” she defends herself after Aki tells her to stop posting on Instagram and hang the mistletoe. 

“We’d love to see you show your Christmas spirit to us too,” Aki says, smiling.

Endou giggles and Tenma looks down at Shuuya, confused. Shuuya just shakes his head, “Don’t mind them.” 

Natsumi does as Aki says, though, looking for the mistletoe inside three different boxes. She finds it, but instead of hanging it, she follows Aki around just to steal a kiss from her and when she finally catches her, they are in the common area, kissing in front of a child, an ex husband and Shuuya. 

They are lovely, Shuuya thinks, and so in love, it’s almost disgusting the way Natsumi caresses Aki’s cheeks and how Aki tucks a strand of hair behind Natsumi’s ear.

Shuuya’s eyes slide from them to Endou and he doesn’t look hurt by them, he looks happy for them, eyes shining in affection. 

Good.

“Ugh, mom, please stop. You too, Natsu,” Tenma whines. 

Endou laughs loudly. 

Aki serves hot chocolate to everyone. 

Fudou is sitting on the floor, Tenma sleeping on his thigh after working hard on decorating all afternoon. 

Endou has a hand on Shuuya’s thigh as he tells Kazemaru about Shuuya’s project and vision for God Hand.

Natsumi listens carefully before butting in, “So, you thought it over?” 

Endou sighs, “I did, but…”

“You don’t know if you want to do it,” Natsumi finishes for him. 

“It’s not that I don’t like what Gouenji has in mind, he’s great, but I don’t know if I’m ready.”

That’s different. 

Shuuya touches him on his arm, “I already told you. We are not in a hurry and we can change the project, anyway. It’s just an idea.”

Natsumi nods, Aki squeezing her shoulder, “I’m sorry if I… butted in your business, Endou, I just wanted… to… do something for you.”

“You don’t have to say sorry, Natsu,” he smiles, “I understand. I would do the same for you.”

Natsumi’s eyes shine too bright. Aki claps her hands together, “Who’s hungry?” 

**2 days until Christmas.**

“It’s been years since you have been here,” Endou says as he parks his pick up.

Shuuya nods.

“It has changed since then,” Endou continues.

Shuuya nods again.

Fifteen years since he moved away from Inazuma Town. It’s a long time. And even if it is a small countryside town directly hiding under a mountain, time did its trick.

Shuuya can’t recognize half of it, new buildings and new names make it unfamiliar to him. He recalls spending every afternoon after school sitting on a sidewalk in front of Miss Hijikata’s shop eating ice cream or drinking soda.

Endou catches him staring at the new Corporate Supermarket.

“She died a few years back and Hijikata decided to sell the shop. He had to feed many mouths and he couldn’t keep it running like before,” Endou turns off the car.

“It’s sad,” Shuuya murmurs.

“It is, but in the end it was for the best because with the money Hijikata opened a restaurant at the end of the road,” Endou nods in the general direction and Shuuya finds it, a busy place with a lot of clients and waiters running around bringing food and taking orders.

“That’s good news, then.”

Endou has his hand on the car keys, but he doesn’t move to take them out of ignition. Shuuya raises an eyebrow in question and Endou laughs it off.

“I was thinking we should go there to eat something, one of these days.”

Shuuya’s heart skips a beat. He probably doesn’t mean just the two of them, Shuuya knows, but he can’t ignore the way it makes him feel the promise of hanging outside of God Hand with Endou.

Since accepting the fact that his feelings for Endou came back stronger than ever just in a few days, Shuuya feels on the edge, like he’s about to explode. If he isn’t careful, he is going to do something he will regret like confess or kiss Endou out of nowhere.

Admitting to Kidou he was still very much in love with his childhood friend was like admitting it to himself. Denying things, it’s what he does best, especially to himself, but yesterday it was different. It’s not a bad thing being in love with Endou. He realized it in the same moment he said it to Kidou. It wasn’t sparks and fireworks, more like fire burning wood in the chimney, slowly warming up the room. It was like coming home. It was familiar. It is familiar. 

It’s Endou.

He just doesn’t know what to do now. He isn’t scared of his feelings, this time, it’s not like he is fifteen, he’s been in love before, with this man especially, but acting on these feelings… tricky.

He has to leave, his life isn’t here. Also, Endou’s life is a lot, he doesn’t know if he won’t disturb it, he doesn't know if he can take it. He has a son and a past. Shuuya doesn’t know if he is ready, if they are ready.

Another thing, he doesn’t know if Endou feels the same and he doesn’t want to crush their new friendship. It’s hard, it’s really hard to think about ruining things again.

“What are you thinking about?” Endou asks, startling him enough to leave his thoughts alone. 

“Oh, sorry, spaced out a little,” he answers.

Endou laughs, “You do that a lot.” 

“Yeah, got a lot of going in here,” he points out to his head.

Endou nods, seriously, “You can tell me everything, you know,” hands on his thigh, squeeze, warm and reassuring.

Shuuya smiles, “Yeah, I know. What were you saying?” 

“Oh, I was saying we should go and eat at Hijikata’s before you leave. The two of us. Make a change of scenery or something.” 

“The two of us?” 

“Do you want to bring Tenma with us? They can make a mad kids menu, though I prefer to be alone with you,” then he stops, looks at Shuuya with danger in his eyes, “Don’t tell Tenma that.” 

Shuuya needs to register every word and decide how to act accordingly. Endou wants to go out, to eat dinner, just the two of them. Meaning, he wants to spend time with him, alone. That could mean everything, really, they are friends, it’s normal to want to spend time with your friend. Shuuya wants to spend time with him, as a friend. It’s fine. It’s okay. Completely normal. Totally understandable. 

Shuuya should answer him.

“I won’t tell Tenma,” Shuuya chokes out after a while.

Endou gives him his best smile, then he opens the door and gets out of the car, cold hitting Shuuya’s face.

“We can have breakfast at Tsunami’s and then we can go to the shop,” Endou starts walking after locking his pick up, Shuuya on his heels.

Shuuya is living a fever dream, right now, because he’s back in his hometown, his first love talking about going out not saying the word date and there is mud mixed with snow on the tires of his car, and he’s cold but happy, and everything is looking like a dream, this can’t be real.

Shuuya is scared but happy as Endou turns to tell him to walk a little faster, jumping on his feet trying to warm himself. 

“Tsunami?” he asks and Endou hooks his arm under his.

“Inherited the diner.” 

“I knew that.” 

“Did you know he is dating Tachimukai?” 

“What?” Shuuya asks, shocked, “Little kid that literally kissed the ground you walked on?” 

Endou chuckles, “Yeah, and wait to find out who’s married to Urabe Rika.”

“I missed a lot,” Shuuya admits, “Now everyone is married or having a business they are passionate about. Or both.”

“You too.” 

“I’m not married,” Shuuya jokes.

Endou hums, “Guess, I’m not married too. Aren’t we lucky?” 

Shuuya doesn’t know how to reply to that, so he doesn’t. 

Endou still takes it as a win just because Shuuya can’t hide his blush on his cheeks well under his scarf.

Walking into Tsunami’s diner is like walking into God Hand for the first time. Shuuya takes a step back in time and behind the counter there isn’t Tsunami Jousuke, middle school classmate and friend, but his dads. 

It’s the same as it was back then. Same colour palette, same tables, same posters up on the walls, same chairs, and same crowd. Shuuya recognizes old regulars, ex school friends and all of the neighbor business owners taking a scheduled break at the same time. 

“Endou!” Tsunami greets them—well, just Endou, but Shuuya is glued to his side, so he feels welcomed and embarrassed at the same time. 

“Tsunami, hey, how are you? How did the blizzard treat you?” Endou unlocks their arms to get close to the counter, Tsunami walking over towards them.

“Better than I thought. Nothing really broke down. I heard it was stronger up there.” 

“It was not that bad, but the snow almost broke my car,” Endou takes off his coat.

“Who is this? A friend?” Tsunami notices Shuuya as he sits down next to Endou and he feels a little bit disappointed. He recognized Tsunami right away, pink hair and sharp eyes like shark teeth. He didn’t change since middle school, like almost everything inside his family diner.

“You don’t recognize him?” Endou asks, shaking his head, “It’s the hair, isn’t it?” 

“Endou,” Shuuya threatens.

Shuuya doesn’t like to remember the time where he used too much gel to raise his hair up in a Bulbasaur-like hairstyle.

“Wait…” Tsunami’s face almost hits him, “Knife-like eyes, resting bitch face, deep voice…” 

Endou giggles.

“You forgot blonde,” Shuuya rebuts, putting some distance between them.

“He bites back… Gouenji Shuuya.” 

“Flesh, blood and bones,” Shuuya says.

Tsunami laughs hard from the chest, almost shaking, “Christmas miracles do exist. We all thought you were dead.” 

“Now you are exaggerating,” Shuuya tucks a strand of hair behind his hair.

Tsunami crosses his arms over his chest, “No, I’m not. What brings you here? And what do you want? Be quick, I have children to feed.” 

“I’ll have a coffee, black and whatever Endou takes to eat. Also, my job.” 

Tsunami nods, screams a _Kogure!_ and another familiar face gets out from the kitchen, “You are scaring the babies,” Kogure says, “What do you want?” 

“There aren’t babies inside of my kitchen,” Tsunami replies, “Also you work here, for me, so respect me.” 

“Hiura and Asuto are like babies to me. Second, I lost my respect for you that day of your senior year of high school,” Kogure bites back, tongue slipping out to make a face.

“Just bring me a black coffee, two sets of pancakes and orange juice,” Tsunami sighs in defeat.

Endou pats him on the shoulder, “It’s okay.” 

Kogure goes back into the kitchen, evil little smile on his lips. Fifteen years later and Kogure is still a little shit, Shuuya remembers when they went camping, all together, and he always tried to poison their food with extra hot sauce just for the fun of it.

“I’d fire him if I could,” Tsunami mouths.

“You love him,” Endou says.

“Exactly,” he confirms, “But let’s go back to Gouenji, here.” 

“There isn’t really a need to,” Shuuya tries to fight the unwanted attention.

“Oh c’mon, it’s been years. Indulge me a little while you wait for your coffee.” 

He does it.

The real reason they decided to go into town is because Endou has to pick up Tenma’s gift from the toy store, the breakfast at Tsunami’s and then the reunion with their old middle school friends was not into their original plans— least Shuuya’s. Endou was probably waiting for this all week. It’s cute, the way he wants Shuuya to meet all of his (their) friends, how he talks about him to them, _He’s an architect, you know, he works in a big firm in a big city_ making Shuuya shake his head.

He is happy. Really happy, the smile on his lips genuine and it’s not weird, he likes his life just fine back at home and he loves his friends there too, but here is a different kind of happiness. It’s warm and comfortable and he knows it’s like this because Endou is here with him, taking his hand, patting his shoulder, laughing at some stupid thing Shuuya says.

He really loves him.

He should say it to him. 

Anyway, now it’s not the time. It’s Tenma-is going-to-get-his-Robo-Pegasus-time. 

Good.

Endou talking about Christmas gifts made Shuuya remember that it’s something people do. Gifting. Things. To people they love. 

The only people Shuuya gives presents to are Yuuka (and she got a whole week in Aspen for the two of them to enjoy), Kidou (Shuuya usually goes for a tie and a pair of shoes and they are more than enough) and Toramaru (an year ago, it was socks, this year, it was gloves). He knows them best and they like whatever he gives to them. 

So, Shuuya needs a gift too, for Endou, because it’s Christmas and Endou let him inside of his place without wanting any money (they talked about this and Shuuya still intends on paying at the end of his stay). Also, he needs a gift for Tenma too because he’s a child, he loves Christmas and Shuuya adores him a normal amount. He thinks he’ll do something for Aki and Natsumi too, just because they are kind enough to let him eat with them at Christmas—Endou asked, and they yelled in excitement _a yes, of course, we wanted to ask you but we didn’t know if we could._

He doesn’t know what to give to Endou. He’ll think about him later, now he focuses on shelves and shelves of children's toys. 

What does Tenma like? Pokémon, making snow angels, robots, baking, hiding behind the stairs to jump on Shuuya, dogs, looking for wood in the forest, braiding Natsumi’s hair, hugs, kisses, soccer, drawing…

He groans. He has no idea.

Endou is busy talking with the clerk, a woman with distinct aquamarine hair and Shuuya knows it’s Urabe Rika—no, Ichinose Rika, but he can’t believe she really got married to Ichinose Kazuya, the son of the owner of the toy store, which now he owns after his father’s retirement. Shuuya supposes high school sweethearts are a real thing after all.

Shuuya starts walking around the shop, hoping to find something good enough to catch his attention. Then something weird happens. Shuuya doesn’t know how to describe it, but it’s literally gold dust falling from a shelf, shining as it hits the ground. Shuuya looks up to see where it fell off and there it is, on the highest shelf, big and pricey enough to satisfy Shuuya. 

The perfect gift for Tenma.

Shuuya tells Endou to wait for him outside as Rika chuckles. Her perfect manicured hands wrap Tenma’s gift.

“Good choice. Tenma is going to love it,” Rika comments, casually, just because she has to make small talk. Or because she is naturally predisposed to stick her nose in everyone's business.

“I hope so,” Shuuya politely replies.

Rika laughs, “Fifteen years and you didn’t change. Except for the look, which I dig.” 

“Thank you… I guess?” 

“It wasn’t a compliment, Gouenji,” Rika says as she ties up a pretty ribbon with her long fingers.

“Then what did you mean?” 

“You are still awfully quiet and all serious. Also, still in love with Endou,” Rika rests her arms on Tenma’s gift.

“Wow,” Shuuya gestures at the box, “Are you done?” 

“I am,” she laughs, handing him a paper bag, “Another thing, before you go.”

“What?” Shuuya takes the bag from her.

“He loved you back.”

Shuuya leaves.

“You didn’t buy a gift for them?” 

“No, I didn’t,” Endou groans, “I thought it wasn’t necessary, but maybe it is. I don’t know, it’s my first Christmas with my ex wife and her girlfriend, you know.” 

“Okay,” Shuuya looks around, “We’ll find something.”

“Natsumi is pretty demanding,” Endou admits, a defeated expression already on his face.

She is. She is also rich, the mayor of Inazuma Town and pretty much has everything already. 

Shuuya clicks his tongue, “She wants to give you a renovation plan, that isn’t cheap.” 

“I didn’t accept that,” Endou whines.

Shuuya pats his shoulder, “Yet.” 

Endou pouts. 

Shuuya can’t say he understands women, he doesn’t even understand himself, but he has a younger sister and twenty three years of experience at dealing with that. 

Shuuya finds something for Natsumi and Aki after a relentless search first online and then in the back of Aphrodi’s Antiques. Shuuya casually remembers Natsumi saying something about how she loves antique stuff and how Aki has to always drag her out of these kinds of shops. 

What Shuuya settles on is an old clock, not cheap and so beautiful with its engraved angels and flowers. Shuuya cries a little when Aphrodi shows it to him, gloved hands and delicate touches, telling him about Natsumi coming inside the shop just to look at it. At that, Shuuya and Endou's eyes light up at the same time. 

Endou begs him to include him in doing the gift, just because he can’t think of something else and the clock is really expensive, so they share the cost.

“Thanks,” Endou murmurs as they leave Aphrodi’s Antiques behind.

“For what?” 

“I don’t know. Since you came everything changed a little bit. So, thanks for that. And for choosing this for them, I just hope they like it.” 

“I didn’t do anything,” Shuuya stops to look at Endou, “I thought coming here was a mistake, you know, after everything I did to you…” 

“You didn’t do anything to me,” Endou fights him but Shuuya shakes his head.

“I hurt you.” 

“Yeah, you did. But that’s in the past. Stop thinking about that and focus on the now. The present. I’m happy to have you here. You are…” Endou bites his lips and Shuuya can see him trying to find the words he wants to convey, “You are special to me.” 

Shuuya’s heart does a breakdancing routine. 

He takes Endou’s hand in his, squeeze it, and they are one in front of the other and it’s starting to snow a little, snowflakes gently falling on them, getting stuck in Endou’s hair, making him look more angelic.

“I’m happy to be here, too. I’m glad. You are special to me too.” 

“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” Shuuya mumbles against his phone.

He is outside, on the porch, scarf covering his nose and Endou’s gloves warming his hands.

The sun isn’t going down for another hour, but the sky is already tinting pink and red. 

“What do you want?” Yuuka answers after three missed calls.

“You should know that when I call, you have to answer at the first ring,” Shuuya says back.

“I was busy cooking with Tobitaka,” then Shuuya hears some rustling.

“I confirm,” Tobitaka’s deep voice replaces his sister’s.

“Thank you, Tobitaka,” he says and he knows Tobitaka gets what he means: Thank you for taking her in this Christmas.

“No problem, she’s family.” 

Yuuka comes back on the phone, “So, what’s your problem?” 

“Gifts ideas for your crush? And what are you cooking? Is Toramaru there?” 

“Crush?” Yuuka focuses on one thing and one thing only and Shuuya expected this, this is why he put in there other questions just because he’s embarrassed by the situation, “What do you mean with crush?” 

“Endou,” he whispers. 

Yuuka squeaks directly in his ear. He winches at it. 

“I knew it! Toramaru said no way but I said yes way and here you go.” 

Shuuya chuckles, “I know.” 

He can see Yuuka smiles prettily, pink hair and sharp eyeliner appearing in front of him, “I always liked Endou, he was kind to me back then and you weren’t really over him. Two years ago you were drunkenly talking about Endou to me. I don’t remember why, and you had this dreamy look. It’s like… you were fated to meet again.” 

“That’s a way to put it.” 

“Maybe this time it will work. I think it’s your chance…” 

Shuuya sits down on the wooden stairs, “I don’t know.”

“Well, I’ll put it this way. I’m sure you are going to regret not doing anything. Again.”

Shuuya groans, “You are right, I know that, but it’s hard!” 

Yuuka hums, “Is it, really? What is the worst thing that can happen? You already disappeared for fifteen years.” 

Shuuya closes his eyes.

“So, what were you saying about gifts for your crush?” Yuuka changes the subjects and Shuuya is greatful.

“I need something to give him… he’s doing so much for me, right now and…” 

“You don’t have ideas.”

“Zero.” 

“Okay, we need something easy and fast because Christmas is in two days.” 

“I can’t do this,” Shuuya whines.

“But we can,” Yuuka says, “Toramaru is already googling ideal gift for dilfs as we speak.”

In the end what Shuuya gets is a frozen nose and the loss of feeling in his fingers because of the cold. His sister, Toramaru and Tobitaka weren’t of big help after all, but it was fun talking with them, so Shuuya doesn’t regret calling her.

“Gouenji,” Kazemaru greets him. He is at the end of the porch stairs, hands in his jacket.

Shuuya holds up a hand to wave, “Didn’t see you there.”

Kazemaru smiles politely, “I dropped by to bring this,” he shows him a bag full of little red packages.

“Gifts?” Shuuya asks and he finds it ironic to see Kazemaru acting like Santa Claus after Shuuya spent thirty minutes trying to find something to give to Endou. 

Kazemaru nods, “I hope they’ll like it.” 

“I’m sure they will,” Shuuya says.

“What’s going on?” Kazemaru joins him on the porch, stopping in front of the door.

“Nothing,” Shuuya shrugs off Kazemaru’s question.

Kazemaru arches an eyebrow.

Shuuya sighs, “I can’t find something to give Endou for Christmas. I feel like I have to. He’s doing a lot for me and…”

Kazemaru’s eyes shine a wicked light, “Oh, that?” 

“Yeah?” 

Kazemaru tilts his head in a thinking motion, “You could give to him what you wanted to give him back then.” 

Shuuya widens in his eyes in shock, “What?” 

But before Kazemaru can answer, Tenma opens the door asking them what they are doing in the cold, Endou behind him with the same worried expression.

**1 day until Christmas--Christmas Eve.**

Shuuya can’t believe he’s doing this, but he does the craziest things for Endou Mamoru. Maybe. 

He knocks on the door of his childhood home and it’s so different, completely renovated, just the address still the same.

After his mother’s death, his father sold the house, not wanting to have anything that could hold memories of her.

It’s the first time Shuuya sees it after that December day of fifteen years ago.

The door cracks open and the new owner opens the door. They are probably Shuuya’s age, green hair tied up in a bun and black eyes full of confusion. 

Shuuya clears his throat, “Good morning.” 

The other raises an eyebrow, “Who are you?”

Shuuya tries to find the right words, “This is going to sound really weird, but I lived here for fifteen years before moving away and I forgot something very important to me. And I feel like it’s still in my old bedroom… so if you could just…”

“Let you look inside my house just because you are asking?” Sarcasm is evident in their tone, Shuuya doesn’t blame them.

“Yes?” he tries, offering a tentative smile.

They cross their arms over their chest, “At least tell me your name.” 

“Right, sorry, I should’ve started with that. I’m Gouenji Shuuya, nice to meet you,” he offers his hand for them to shake.

“Midorikawa Ryuuji,” they say, accepting Shuuya’s hand, “What are you looking for?” 

“It’s embarrassing but it’s… a gift I made for my childhood crush.”

“Why are you looking for it?” Midorikawa asks, starting to appear less on the defensive. 

“I never had the opportunity to give it to him. Seems like now it’s the right time.”

Midorikawa moves away to let Shuuya in, “Let’s not waste time, then. Where did you put it?” 

“Thank you so much!”

Shuuya knows exactly where it is. His younger self tended to hide everything from his father (too scared of him) and his sister (he didn’t want her to know too much). He created the perfect hiding spot back in the first year of middle school when he found a loose floorboard under his bed. 

“So, this was your room?” Midorikawa asks as Shuuya gets on his knees. The floodboard now is hidden under forniture he moved after asking permission.

“Yeah. It was smaller though. I’m lucky that you didn’t change the flooring even if I think you should’ve.” 

“Why?” 

“There is a loose floorboard?” 

“You got me there,” Midorikawa admits, then he walks over to sit on the bed, “This is my son’s room, now.” 

Shuuya smiles, “I noticed.” 

“What gave it away? The extensive peluche collection or the crayons on the carpet?” Midorikawa says, reaching for one next to his foot.

“It’s the Keshin Master poster,” Shuuya nods at it.

Midorikawa laughs as Shuuya gently raises the wooden floorboard. He coughs, dust sticking into his throat and nose, but he sees it: an old compact disk and a book, sitting side by side for years, now.

Shuuya can’t believe they are still there, in the same place he left them before moving away.

“Wow,” Midorikawa whispers and Shuuya takes them out, dust falling over the floor.

“Sorry,” he says.

Midorikawa shakes their head, “Don’t worry. I can’t believe you weren’t lying.” 

Shuuya tilts his head, “Why did you let me in if you thought I was lying?” 

“I was curious. So, are you giving this to your old childhood crush?” Midorikawa questions him.

Shuuya gets up, he cleans his jeans and then he studies both the book and the CD.

The book pages are yellow and covered in dust, but they are still intact. Shuuya smiles as he opens it, the first page the same as he remembers. Printed there is the title: Pride & Prejudice by Jane Austen and under it, a scribble, the familiar handwriting, _The book Gouenji loves the most_. Endou stole it for him from the school library. It was his most prized possession at the time.

The compact disk is embarrassing, but also it holds too much sentiment for him, his feelings for Endou stored inside of it as music and gigabytes. Or something like that. He doesn’t remember where he got the idea, maybe a magazine, but that time it was one the best ways to confess to the boy you liked. Now it’s probably the worst and Shuuya doesn’t even remember all the songs he put on there, but he’s sure the first one is All I Want For Christmas Is You by Mariah Carey because he wanted to confess on Christmas Day. 

Maybe Yuuka was right, maybe it was meant to be from the start. They were not destined to grow up together, though, they had to live their life before coming back and taking that road, finally, to spending the rest of their life together. 

Shuuya just hopes Endou feels the same.

“Gouenji?” Midorikawa startles him.

“Oh, sorry, yeah. I’m giving him this tomorrow. I hope he doesn’t laugh.” 

Midorikawa smiles kindly, “It’s sweet, I don’t think he will laugh.” 

“Hope so.” 

“Do you want some coffee? Tea? To tell me everything about this love story?” 

“Do you have the time?” Gouenji asks, laughing, “It’s Christmas Eve.” 

Midorikawa has their hands on their hips, “Oh, please, everything is cooked and my husband and my son are coming back in a few hours anyway. They went to pick up his brother from the airport. I have a lot of free time until lunch.”

Shuuya gives in, but just because Midorikawa let a stranger inside their house like it was nothing.

“Where did you go?” Endou asks as Shuuya takes his off his boots.

“To my old house,” Shuuya answers as walks towards him. 

Endou tilts his head and Shuuya smiles, hand on Endou’s cheek, “Don’t worry about it.”

“Okay,” Endou says, leaning into the touch.

Christmas Eve is normal. They spend half of the day making snow angels and snowmen with Tenma until Natsumi and Aki pick him up.

“I want to stay here,” Tenma whispers as Shuuya gets his coat on, Endou busy trying to find his shoes.

“You don’t want to spend Christmas Eve with your moms?” 

“I want to… but I want to stay here with you and Dad too,” he pouts, eyes glassy.

Oh, Shuuya won’t have Tenma cry on him on Christmas Eve.

“Hey, hey look at me,” Tenma hides his face into his arms, “Tenma, honey, please.”

He does as Shuuya says, lips trembling.

“It’s okay to be upset about this, but you are going home with your moms and spending some time with Sasuke, too. Don’t you miss him?” 

“I do,” Tenma murmurs.

“And tomorrow we are going to be all together, anyway. It’s just a few hours, really.” 

“Do you promise?” Tenma asks, voice tiny.

“Of course, I promise,” Shuuya ruffles his hair, “Now smile or your Dad is going to worry.” 

Tenma sniffles and he shows off his teeth (or the lack thereof) to Shuuya. He gives him a thumbs up, “Good, keep it up,” he zips his coats up and he squeezes Tenma’s shoulders in what he hopes it’s a reassuring manner. 

“Gouenji,” Tenma stops him before he can get up.

“What?”

“I like you a lot…” Tenma’s tiny hand grabs Shuuya’s sweater sleeve, “And Dad likes you too… but you are going to leave after Christmas… this is what Dad says…” 

Shuuya sighs, “Yeah, it’s true.” 

“I don’t want you to,” Tenma’s fingers tighten his hold on Shuuya.

“I have to. I have to go back to work eventually,” he kneels down to be on Tenma’s eye level again, “But it doesn’t mean I won’t come back. If you and your Dad are going to have me, I’ll be back in no time,” he bops Tenma’s nose with his index finger as Tenma’s eyes widen, sparkling with joy.

“Really?” 

“Really.”

“Aki cooked something for us,” Endou says as Shuuya enters the kitchen.

“Kind of her,” Shuuya comments.

“I told her not to, but she likes to do it,” Endou scratches the back of his head.

“She takes care of you.”

“Of you too, now. I think she adopted you, too.” 

Shuuya smiles.

“I don’t really know what to do,” Endou sits on the couch with a cup of tea in his hands as Shuuya settles on the armchair.

“What do you mean?” 

“It’s the first time that I don’t spend Christmas Eve with…” Endou smacks his lips together, “You know, with Aki and Tenma. Or family members. It’s weird. Sorry, I don’t want to make you feel bad.”

“I don’t feel bad,” Shuuya tucks a strand of hair between his ear, “I understand…. actually, we should go out!”

“Out?” Endou tilts his head in confusion, eyes on his wristwatch, “It’s ten PM.”

“Okay, we are thirty, not eighty. We could go… somewhere. Drink something.”

“On Christmas Eve?”

“Good night for business!”

Endou gives in, “Fine, okay, let’s go.”

Shuuya gets up, holds out a hand for Endou to take. He takes it.

“I’m counting this as a date, though, Endou.”

Endou almost falls back, losing his hold on Shuuya’s hand, eyes so big full of shock and Shuuya laughs.

“Are you serious?”

“Why not?” Shuuya shrugs, “It’s time, I guess.”

Endou’s face goes through fifteen different expressions and emotions in twenty seconds and Shuuya waits for him to come to a conclusion on his own.

Shuuya doesn’t understand himself, either, everything he’s doing right now is pretty much improvised and on a whim. The only thing he knows is that he stopped being afraid of his feelings, he doesn’t know when, it just happened. If Endou accepts them, _him_ , Shuuya will be elated. On the contrary, if he doesn’t, Shuuya won’t have regrets.

This week has been weird enough that having the courage to tell your feelings to your first love isn’t that strange, not anymore at least.

“I…” Endou licks his lips, “Date, okay. We are going on a date.”

“If you don’t want to…”

“No!” Endou stops him from talking, “I want to! I didn’t expect it to happen, though.”

Shuuya laughs, “I tend to be late.”

“This time is fifteen years.”

“Better late than ever?”

Endou takes his hand back into his, fingers intertwining, “You weren’t the only one late.”

They spend Christmas Eve at Tsunami’s, not as clients, though. Tachimukai invites them in after spotting them parking.

It’s a Christmas party. 

Everyone is there, well almost everyone. Shuuya notices Rika and Ichinose talking to a woman with pretty pink hair. Aphrodi sits with his hair tied up next to a man who Shuuya thinks is Fubuki Shirou from school. Hijikata and Kabeyama are drinking together, Kogure serving them beers. Shuuya spots Kazemaru and Fudou whispering far away from everyone. Endou does the same and after saying hello to every single one of the people there, he drags Shuuya to talk to Kazemaru and Fudou.

“You two! Where were you these last few days?” 

“Kazemaru was begging Boss to take us back,” Fudou answers, his signature smirk back on.

Shuuya doesn’t understand what Fudou means and neither does Endou, a confused expression on his face.

Kazemaru hits Fudou with a loud smack on his arm, “Fudou is kidding. Fudou, stop kidding.”

Fudou shakes his head, “I guess… wait a minute, hands?” 

Endou blushes right away and Shuuya looks down, their hands still intertwined. Shuuya forgot about that. 

Kazemaru’s expression lights up, “Are you…”

“On a date,” Endou says, “Just a date, nothing more.”

Shuuya nods, “Right.”

“So no I love yous?” Fudou asks, eyes suddenly hungry and smirk gone off his lips.

Kazemaru almost bites his head off as he drags Fudou out of Tsunami’s diner without saying anything to Endou and Shuuya.

“That was weird,” Endou whispers.

“Really weird.”

**Interlude**.

“Well, you did it,” a clap, “You really did it.”

“If Gouenji doesn’t tell him he loves him and he says it back, I didn’t do it.”

“Well, they have a whole day.”

“If they don’t… we are not going back home.”

A snicker, “Is that bad? I like it here.”

A huff, “I want to go home.”

“Do you really want to go home?” boots hitting the ground, hands on arms. 

“We don’t belong here,” a weak response.

“I don’t know about you, but I don’t belong there. Not anymore. I… it’s been a year. If you want to go back there, I will not stop you. But… I’m staying.”

“What? You… we… you can’t.”

“Why not? I know of elves who decided to stop being elves and are living as humans.”

“But… me?”

A laugh, sad laugh, “Love, you know how… how I feel about you, but I don’t think I can do it. Home isn’t home anymore, for me at least.”

Footsteps.

Silence being broke by laughs and singing and from his own breathing.

**Christmas day.**

It’s pretty late when they get home—Shuuya has started thinking as God Hand as home now— and Endou stops himself in front of Shuuya’s room. His cheeks are red because of the cold and the alcohol and Shuuya feels a little bit tipsy too.

“It wasn’t really a date, wasn’t it?” 

“We spent time together…” Shuuya has his hand on the door handle.

“And all of our friends,” Endou finishes for him.

Shuuya laughs, “I loved it.”

Endou nods. He looks like he wants to do something, but he doesn’t move.

“We should go to sleep. We have to wake up early,” Shuuya reminds him. 

He knows what’s on Endou’s mind right now, but he thinks it’s too early to indulge that. Even if he wants. The alcohol in their veins could ruin this moment, Shuuya believes.

Endou sighs, “You are right. I’m going.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Endou,” Shuuya smiles.

“Goodnight, Gouenji.”

Then he remembers, “Endou, wait.”

“What?” 

“Merry Christmas,” Shuuya says.

Endou’s eyes shine like Christmas lights, “Merry Christmas, Gouenji.”

Christmas Day comes and goes so fast and Shuuya finds himself sitting in Natsumi and Aki backyard, warmed up by lanterns and heaters strategically planted in specific corners of the wooden gazebo Endou helped build this summer.

The sun is setting and the sky is pink. Everyone is still inside, Tenma is playing with his Robo-Pegasus leaning against his Appletun peluche, Shuuya’s gift for him. Aki and Natsumi are watching a Christmas movie, their new clock is already hanging on a pink tinted wall. Endou is nowhere to be seen, disappeared an half hour ago. 

Shuuya needed to breath fresh air for five minutes after spending all day inside. He is happy, at the same time, he needs to recharge himself from having all these social interactions outside of his comfort zone.

Endou appears in front of him, hat and scarf on, wearing a Christmas sweater that Aki brought for him and that matches the one Shuuya has on (Natsumi made them wear it with a threatening look in her eyes), “You are here.”

Shuuya nods, “Needed a break. Where did you go?” 

Endou looks up, at the sky, and then his eyes are back on Shuuya, “Needed to think.”

“Oh,” Shuuya breathes out. 

“When are you leaving?” 

Oh, that’s right. He has to leave. 

“My plane is scheduled for tomorrow night,” Shuuya answers.

Endou bites the inside of his cheeks and then he slaps them, hard.

Shuuya gets up, “What are you doing?”

“Telling you I love you and I don’t want you to leave.”

Shuuya’s hands find Endou’s face.

“But it’s useless, telling you I don’t want you to leave because you have your life and work and your family and friends. So…” Endou keeps going as Shuuya strokes his cheek with his thumb, “I’m just telling you that I love you.” 

Shuuya doesn’t answer back, he doesn’t say a word, but he leans in to press his chapped lips against Endou’s. Cold hands reach for his neck and he shivers, but he doesn’t let go, not even once, having waited for this almost half of his life.

Everything disappears, there is only Endou and Endou’s fingertips on his skin and the way his heartbeat spikes up at every touch and how Endou is smiling in the kiss, too many teeth in it.

Firework is the term Shuuya would use, even if it’s a cliche. He feels fireworks, butterflies and fire inside the pit of his stomach and chest. 

“Wow,” Endou says.

Shuuya nods and he kisses him again.

Endou laughs, “Eager are we?” 

“You don’t know how much I wanted to do this,” Shuuya hugs him, now, chest against chest.

“I can imagine, trust me,” Endou whispers in his ear, lips almost touching his skin.

“I love you, too,” Shuuya says after a while, the sun is almost gone and they are still embracing, “And I’m coming back.”

“Oh, yes, you have to work on God Hand.”

“What?”

“I decided that change isn’t bad, but we are going to start small. You are not touching my chimney,” Endou warns him and Shuuya laughs.

Shuuya lets go of his hold on Endou and he puts his hands in pocket to take out the CD he retrieved from his old house. He had it all day in his pocket, trying to find the right moment to give it to Endou. Shuuya figures now it is.

“I wanted to give you this when we were fifteen, but… life happened,” he hands him the compact disc.

“Is this…”

“A mixtape in which every song was carefully picked up to make you understand I was in love with you and didn’t find a better way to tell you than illegally downloading every love song you liked after listening to it for five seconds at the radio? Because then, yes, it is.”

“You had this for fifteen years? And never gave it to me?” Endou says, surprised, voice shaky, as he studies the CD, Shuuya’s messy handwriting on it, “And you called it Pick Up Truck Playlist?” 

“I had this fantasy I will play it for you on Christmas day in your Grandfather’s truck,” Shuuya explains, blushing a little.

“You are…” Endou kisses him again.

Shuuya chuckles, “Do you like it?”

“The first song is,” he turns the CD to read the tracklist Shuuya wrote years ago by hand, “All I Want For Christmas Is You?” 

“That was a joke.”

“It’s a fine song.”

“I prefer The Carol.”

“Hit!” 

“I’m glad I came here. This feels,” Shuuya takes Endou’s hand in his, “like fate.”

“You are right,” Endou smiles, “It was like something was tying us together.”

“An invisible string?”

“More like magic,” Endou kisses him on the cheek.

Tenma comes running, Aki and Natsumi behind him.

“What are you two doing?” Natsumi asks, the glint in her eyes telling that she already knows what’s happening.

Tenma hugs Endou’s legs, “Dad!”

Hands in hair, “Yeah.”

“Santa Claus is real!”

Endou laughs and Natsumi shakes her head, whispering something to Aki as she smiles.

“Yeah, I told you he was real…” Aki says but Tenma stops her.

“No, Mom, I’m serious, he’s real. He gave me my Christmas’ gift!” 

“And what was it?”

Natsumi murmurs something like _I hope he doesn’t say his new Playstation because that was me and not Santa_ and Shuuya chuckles, winking at her. She doesn’t blush, head up high.

“Dad’s happiness!”

Everyone quiets down as Endou knees down, “What do you mean, Tenma?”

“You were always sad since Mom… broke up with you. So I asked Santa to make you happy!” 

Endou hugs him, tight, “I was already happy with you.”

“But now you are happier with Gouenji, right?”

Shuuya waits for Endou’s answer and he looks at him as answer, “Yeah, Tenma, I am.”

“See, Mom, that’s how I know Santa is real.”

Aki laughs as she wipes the tears from her eyes, “I’m sure you are right, Tenma.”

“Also, I personally know two of his elves and they confirmed his existence.”

“Personally?” 

“Personally.”

Kazemaru waits outside the woods in front of God Eden. The stars shine brighter. 

He sighs.

They did it in the end, making Tenma’s wish real. 

Endou Mamoru’s happiness was their mission to go back home and they did it.

Fudou lights up a cigarette next to him.

“It was a great idea,” Fudou inhales, “Gouenji.”

“I called Sakuma, he said their lives were intertwined a lot. I assumed they were destined,” Kazemaru kicks a pebble.

“You succeeded and look at us, we didn’t ruin Christmas this year.”

“You ruined it, I was passing by.”

“Keep telling yourself that.”

“And _we_ did it, it was you who found Gouenji and it was your idea to convince Natsumi to call him with the renovation plan.”

“Ichirouta, he is on every social network. And manipulating it’s what I do best.”

“You both did good,” a deep voice stops their bickering. They both turn to look at an old man with a white beard and distinct red suit.

“Boss,” Kazemaru greets him with a bow.

Fudou nods at him.

“You can come home now,” Boss says.

Fudou looks at his cigarette, then he smiles, “I’m not coming, Boss, I think I fit better here fixing cars than back at home fixing your wrapping machines.”

Boss just hums, “And you, Ichirouta?”

Kazemaru turns to look at Fudou, “Akio.”

It’s a question. 

_Are you sure? Are you really sure?_

“I told you, love.”

Kazemaru takes a deep breath, he closes his eyes, Fudou stops to look at him, “I’m staying too, Boss.”

“Ichirouta!” Fudou almost jumps out of his skin, “Don’t do this.”

“I want to. I want to stay with you.”

Fudou’s eyes are wide open.

Boss chuckles.

“Well, then. Merry Christmas.”

And he disappears.

“I can’t believe it.”

“Oh, shut up.”

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this for fun then it became my sworn enemy. i'm not really proud of it but there are 21k words in my doc folders and you know, i'm not going to leave them there, so read it or not read it... it's here and i'm over it!  
> happy holidays kids :-)


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